Exceeding The Mediocre

2009-11-12T16:41:00.002-06:00

My New Web Site

http://jls04j.wordpress.com/

2009-07-15T14:07:00.032-05:00

My thoughts, My beliefs--This is who I am

I know you're not supposed to write a letter to someone when you're upset. You're supposed to wait, take the time to calm down and rationalize and then write what you have to say with sound thoughts. I usually carry this rule over into my writing. But since I don't use this web site to aim at anyone in particular, I am free to write how ever I want about what ever I want. All I know is, my heart is aching to pour out it's feelings through my words.

I've been having a rough month. Things are taking more of a toll on me than I realize. Michael Jackon's death upset me beyond words. My fantasy baseball team's winning streak ended--plagued with injuries--and I had started to lose interest in checking it as often. I've lost three weeks straight. I vowed (half-jokingly, half-not) to dismiss reading any more of J.K. Rowling's series after her fifth book because she killed off my favorite character. A few years later, (just a week ago) I purchased the sixth book to read before the movie came out. It was a disappointment to me. She killed off a great character, which I can understand to give more of a dramatic effect, but another character I had always hoped to be good, finally went bad. It distrubed me. I have always been wrapped up in the Harry Potter series as juvenile as that may seem. J.K. Rowling is an extremely impressive writer and I am intrigued by and admire her work. I fly through page after page hanging on every word. I cannot say how many times, while reading her books, I question myself if I could ever be that good of an author someday. And there have been a few times that I've agreed that I could and it proves to show how much faith I can have in the talent God's given me. But the movie was even more disappointing to me. I guess that's how it usually goes since the books are always stuffed with detail and it's a necessity to cut and edit for the movie. Oh well.

None of that is life-changing dramatic for me. It's just disappointing. And all of that can build up, especially if you try to push it to the side to forget about it and try to move on to something else. But everything just came crashing down today. Just this year I thought I had been told the most hurtful thing anyone's ever said to me and it came from one of my best friends. Well, it was out done today. I received an e-mail from someone I have also considered a very close friend. I am intelligent enough to know that this person usually means no harm when saying things to me even if it comes off differently than what they meant. I have always been understanding about it and continued conversing with them even if I was to ask what they were really trying to say. But that barrier was broken today and I'm only proud of my so-called friend for actually being honest with me and saying what they've always wanted to say because I'm finally seeing the real them. It makes it so much easier to let them go now.

I'm going to be brutally honest. This has been one the best years of my life. I am doing things I have always dreamed of doing and I have never taken any of it for granted. I'm not wanting sympathy for what I'm about to say but growing up, my family has had their fair share of problems on a daily basis. My family has always been dirt poor. We know what it's like to go days without anything to eat but crackers and butter or beans and rice. We know how to live by only the light of a candle when we couldn't pay the electric bills or bring in kerosene heaters when the gas has been turned off in the middle of frigid, winter temperatures. We know what it's like to live six people in a house that was built for one. We know what it's like to get booted out of somewhere we're living because we can't afford the rising cost of rent. We know what it's like to have to walk or ride a bike to our destination or ask for continual rides to school or work from neighbors and friends because our only vehicle has broke down and we can't afford to fix it. We never had regular doctors and dentists appointments because we couldn't afford them. I know what it's like to have your best friends in high school start treating you differently after they've seen where you live. I know what it's like to be stereotyped as a piece of trash because of it too. We know what it's like to have to lie to our friends and tell them "I can't" when they ask us to come out with them this weekend to a movie or mini-golfing. They plead and we make up an excuse because we don't have the money to do so. This is how my siblings and I grew up but more so my younger brother and I around our jr. high and high school years. But all six of us know what it's like to be overlooked because of not having a dime to our name. But I will never be able to tell you how proud of each of them I am because I know what they're all doing now and how hard they've worked for it. I know where we've all come from and how we have always been treated, even by some of our own relatives.

Growing up, I used to blame my parents, mainly my father for us being so poor but he was and is still the hardest working man I know. He has always done everything in his power to help any of his children do whatever they wanted. I used to blame my parents and my older siblings. My younger brother and I had to put up with a lot of awful stuff because all of the family income was sent staight toward my older siblings' and mom's college fund, as they were all in school earning degrees. I didn't get to do most of the fun activities my friends would go out and do during high school because I didn't have any money to and I was too embarrassed to invite anyone over. My younger brother and I were forced to change schools. I was half-way through high school and he was about to begin jr. high. Of course, we were devastated but we undoubtedly made some amazing new friendships. I did lose a few close friends my jr. and sr. years of high school because I humbly introduced them in to how poor I was. That's something I don't think I'll ever forget. I never dated throughout high school either because of this. But truth be told, I'm OK with it now because money is not what makes or breaks me. It hurts to look back and see everything my family's had to endure and continues to endure, but I would not have had any other family, no matter how rich they could have been. My parents have raised my siblings and I extremely well and it leaves me speechless when I have friends tell me how special I truly am and when I hear others speaking that way of my siblings. God has blessed my family incredibly. We have never had money but we are extremely compassionate toward others and would give the shirt off our backs to anyone. We all made top grades and honors, we've all been blessed athletically, we have good health and faith in our awesome Creator.

I have dealt with some excruciating heartache throughout my college years for the past four years or so. It's taken me that long to complete only two years of my degree. I have experienced things that have broke me down to the point of not wanting to live on. I have met some astoundingly amazing people through those years but also some who I thought I could trust, who instead, left deep scars on my heart. I was taught more in those years than I imagine I'll ever learn the rest of my life. I'm not speaking of book statistics and grammatical structure, which I have learned, but instructions on how to go about living life--making it worth something. Some of the advice shared with me I use daily and other advice I have chose not to heed because not all is worth remembering. I left my university for good because I had been hurt worse than ever before by certain members of faculty and staff I had come to trust over many years. Despite their efforts of thinking they knew what was best for me, they truly just gave up on me, no matter how they decided to word it professionally. This was quite possibly the biggest blow of my life. I chose to stop forcing my schooling after that. In the beginning, I had accepted the university to be the school of my choice because it was family tradition. It grew on me and I learned to love it. I am not knocking the university by any means because I met a few great friends there and made memories that I'll always keep close but it was time I left the school behind. And after a few more visits, the town as well. I was starting to find more hypoctrites than helping hands.

This background information is pertinent to what I need to say about my present situtation.

I have been traveling for the past couple years. At the beginning of 2009, I made a few promises to myself. I wanted to start living for me and not everyone else. It's difficult at times because I want to make my parents proud and I know they want to see me go as far as possible educationally. I know this. But it's becoming easier at times because I'm not trying to make my friends happy all the time. I'm not living for them. I'm not doing everything in my power to help them or make them happy anymore. I'm focusing on me. Of course, some of my friendships are changing--mostly because we're all separated. And I am indeed sad of lack of communication. But I'm also getting a glimpse at who truly cares for me and wants to see me happy. Those who will always accept me and love me. The results are surprising.

I have been able to make a living but still get out and do anything I want to try. I have changed my outlook on life. I am open to more things and willing to listen to everyone's perspective even if I choose to agree to disagree. I am meeting a plethora of new faces and I've learned that the people you surround yourself with are who help make you. So I'm surrounding myself with people who build me up and truly want what's best for me. Not those who are pretenders and want to use me or who are secretly envious. I am getting to see things I never thought I'd get the chance to see. I am experiencing things I never thought I'd have the opportunity to be a part of. I am learning who I am, who I'm not and what I want to be. It's life-changing. I'm being more honest, I'm working on bettering myself and fixing my faults. I am excited and blessed to be living in a gorgeous house with teriffic roommates. I'm trying new things to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm glad that I'm getting this chance while I'm still young. The truth is, I've discovered that I don't know exactly which approach to take if I got back into school right now. I love writing but I don't know the exact career path I want for it. I am falling in love with other things as well that I never knew I had a knack at, like photography and even exercise health. I have all these ideas and I'm going to test them out and talk to different schools and programs to see what I truly want for myself. But as I'm doing this--experiencing life--I'm very happy. I'm very healthy. I'm in the best shape of my life. God is taking extremely good care of me. I am looking forward to discovering what my future has to offer and which routes will present themselves. I'm eager to see my next step.

I realized that no matter what I do, it's about my outlook on it. When I wake up, it's my choice to be happy that day or not, even if it's full of negative occurences. It's how I choose to react to it all. I know my parents and probably even my siblings, and maybe a few friends will worry about whether or not I finish all my schooling and start a good career so I can get married and have a family but here's the thing...

I have always felt different. I have always felt like I was supposed to do something great. I don't think I'll ever rid that feeling from me. And I don't want to. I was put here for a reason and I believe it to be extremely important. I have more than enough people pressuring me into what I need to be doing with my life but I finally felt at ease when my mom was the first to understand something about me. I do things my way, even if it's the hard way. That's how I learn. No matter what people tell me to do or how I should live, it might upset me but I will always do what I think is best for me. Yes, I'm stubborn. I'll make my mistakes but I'll also start a path of my own instead of following in the footsteps of others and I think that is how greatness is made. I choose to think differently and try everything I can, even if it puts me two steps backward, but I'll keep on keeping on. I am a very determined and dedicated individual. Passionate.

The e-mail I opened today from my so-called friend was hurtful. I could feel envy and jealousy in it. The cover up was them wanting me to succeed and get back into school, which I know they would like for me to do, but it was written and gone about in a discouraging and diminishing way. They told me that every one has a dead-end job and you learn to deal with it. I do not believe this. If you work hard enough throughout school and go on to further your education, you have the choice of being anything you want and working for anyone you want if you push yourself. As I've mentioned, my family was beyond poor and we all got our chance at college. Anyone can do it. It's just your choice. I do not look down on people who work at places making minimum wage if they are working for a better future. I am only disappointed when they feel like that's the job they deserve and they choose to work there because they're afraid of saving their money and making a living with the talent God's given them in an actual career. There are many people who have pushed themselves and actually wake up looking forward to go to their job. They worked to get to where they are and they are happy. It could have taken much trial and error but they discovered their niche and persevered. I will work odd jobs to save up money to pay bills and my schooling until I am offered a position I believe I am worthy of working for the rest of my life, but I will not be confined to some mediocre place because "that's what most people do."

My intelligence was continually questioned throughout the letter. Like I don't realize how much more difficult it will be to return to college as time passes. Apparently, I don't care about anything else because I'm happy now. Those were the exact words. I can't believe I have let myself get so close to someone who could say that to me.

I am happy because I am caring about so much!

That is the truth. I have never felt so connected to the human race. I am talking to strangers and making new friends and helping show others what they have to offer the world, how special every individual is. How wonderful God is for putting so much detail into everything. Me being happy now is like "being addicted to drugs or alcohol" because I've become too "content" with my life. When have I ever been "content" with my life? I don't think I've ever used that word in my vocabulary when it pertains to me. I never want to be content. I am always trying to better myself and do new things and go new places. That's just who I am. I know my life will always be full of it's ups and downs so I will never be content. I'm always going to want more out of my life and what this world has to offer. There is so much to learn. I've never been one for living a "content" lifestyle. I was told that my writing is getting too much like other peoples. That I'm becoming just a "normal person" like everyone else. What does that even mean? That I am a new Jayme now and it will take getting used to. I will always be Jayme and I will always have my beliefs and virtues. I might be traveling, trying new things and meeting new people but I will always be loving. I will always be a loyal friend. I will always help someone anyway I can and lend a listening ear. I will always be a dreamer even if I never reach them all. I will always do my best to inspire others and offer support for other's goals and ambitions. I will fight to the death for what I believe in and stand up for those I love. If this makes me too "normal," so be it.

I have not changed. My circumstances have just changed and that has always been the case in my life.

Nothing frustrates me more than when I have someone tell me that I don't care about something, even more so when I don't care about anything. I was told I don't care about my education--about getting back into school. But people will always judge others and make themselves believe what they want. My friend said they used to believe in me but now has their doubts. Have I become a druggie? Have I become an alcoholic? Oh, I've become too content with my life right now that I will never go on to reach out for my dreams and work toward them. Yeah, I knew I was always that kind of person. The people who know me best know I would never sit on my butt for the rest of my life doing nothing. That's not me. But I've been starting to understand how much this "friend" has never known the true me. I was told I'll probably be one of the people having to live with my brother or sister when I get older. This e-mail truly was inspiring and motivating. I was told I have too much talent to be sitting around doing nothing. Apparently, that's what I've been doing--nothing. Just wasting my talent. That was a low blow. They were telling me different jobs I should do... "at least do this or that." No, there's no "at least" with me. I don't want to be working at a job for the rest of my life that I'm not happy with. I can't do that. When I'm not happy, I can very easily get extremely depressed. I can't work somewhere, just to make money if I am not interested in what I'm doing. It will not last. I will fight to work places I can attribute my gifts and to the extreme I know I can accomplish. I'm not going to settle. Just as in my personal relationships. They think they're the only one left supporting and pushing me when it comes to this subject, like I was close to being a lost hope. I'm going down a path of destruction. What the...?!

The thing is, I am always writing or talking about my dreams but not what I'm doing in my life. I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm doing things and able to get out more and meet people making connections, figuring out what I want to do with my life. I won't apologize for my friend thinking I write boring e-mails now because I'm not filling them up with all my dreams and desires, but instead, what I'm actually doing for myself now. It will take time to accomplish those dreams and I am getting close to the position of finally being able to work toward them, but don't hate on my happiness for the time being. I needed this happiness because I had come so close to not wanting to experience anything else in life, it was scary. I don't need someone in my life pushing me and telling me I don't care anymore and I've become too "normal" of a person. But what hit me like a bulldozer was when I read this line:

I know you want a movie writing job but if you like writing then you better just find any job that pays well for your writing talent.

I have been told many times that a writing career will not pay much and it's better as a side project or hobby. I am not ignorant of the fact that to earn a decent sum of money, you have to have incredible writing talent. I have been in school learning about how to write and what jobs are offered to writers. I know I have a lot more to learn about writing but I am a damn good writer who could write screenplays for Hollywood films if it took me the rest of my life to finally get one accepted. The people who choose to criticize my passion or the unparalleled writing gift God's given me do not deserve to be a part of my goals, dreams and ambitions.

The thing that is most hypocritical to me is when I first met my friend, they were gung-ho about the idea of "not everyone has to go to college to succeed." I even heard their dad say it. Yes, that is the rare case some times but I will always, always value an education--and the further the better in my mind. But now, my friend says they'll be disappointed in me and upset if I give up on it. First of all, I have never, ever said or even thought about the fact of "giving up" on finshing my degree. On the contrary, I actually speak of earning a master's degree after my bachelors. My friend uses the excuse that it's wrong if I let my talent go to waste. Again, I have never once thought about neglecting my talent. I have always wanted to further it. But honestly, who is my friend to talk when I have never once said anything negative about them not going to college or even attempting to? I have always pushed them to fight for a better job because I know they are a lot more capable and even talented to do something they wouldn't have to bust their butt over day in and day out. If you want to tell me how I should be living and that I should be getting back into school because it's the right thing to do, look at yourself and take your own words into consideration.

I'm most upset because I know it's time to end another friendship. I had a feeling the day would come when I would have to end it because of the past we have had. There are not mutual feelings toward one another. It makes things awkward and the friendship too bumpy. Too much pain is caused from bitterness and jealousy. I know it will be best to move on even though it will be hard. I'm going to try to remember the good memories when I think of this friend but I'm smart enough to remember the hurtful ones if I ache to try and grow close again after time. I don't need anyone who tries to control my life.

Well, as always, I feel a lot better for writing this mess out. I know there aren't a lot of people who will read this but maybe that's for the best. And whoever took the time to, I hope you were able to relate to at least one feeling mentioned. I will try to take things day by day and learn to move on because life goes on, right? But my friends have always meant the world to me and that's why my heart is in two.

2009-06-26T01:28:00.024-05:00

The King of Pop has Passed

My world was stopped today, as time seemed to stand still.

So, this isn't really going to be written formally. It's 1:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. I have a headache but at least I don't feel nauseated like earlier. Today (OK, literally yesterday since it's now Friday morning) has just sucked. Everything was going well until I received a text from a close friend from Abilene, Texas, around 3-4 p.m. Thursday.

Michael Jackson is dead.

Of course it hit me like a ton of bricks but then I realized it was probably a rumor or hoax... Until I received another text.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson died?

(Those aren't word-for-word but my memory is kind of shot after everything that's happened today.) I knew something had to be wrong so I got on yahoo.com to view the top stories. And lo and behold, "Michael Jackson rushed to UCLA Medical Center. Cardiac arrest." It didn't say anything about him being dead. So I get on Facebook because that's where I can connect with my "world"--family and friends. Literally EVERYONE was talking about it. I turned on the tv to MSNBC and it's not two minutes later, The L.A. Times and MSNBC confirmed MJ's death.

I was stunned. My hands were shaking.

I called my mom because that's what I do when something tragic happens. I needed some comfort and there's no one in the world more like me than her. She said he wasn't dead from what she had heard but it hadn't been updated online at that point. When she heard that he was dead, her voice cracked and I could tell she was about to cry. So yeah, it hit me too and I started crying a bit.

Most people might read this and roll their eyes or think I'm crazy for getting so emotional over someone I've never met. But it feels like I have known him my entire life. While growing up, my mom had us listening to younger Michael, as in the Jackson 5, with his brothers singing, ABC, I Want You Back and I'll be There. I remember my sister playing "Black or White" in her cassette player over and over and over again in the early '90s. I would dance to it with my younger brother, who was only a toddler. It's true that I wasn't even born when Michael's biggest hit, Thriller, was released but it was still popular when I came into the world in the late '80s. I think I'll always have my sister to thank for getting me into MJ, even though she wouldn't know it. I really started getting into his music in junior high. My friend and I would always sing, "Hey pretty baby with the high heels on..." every time we'd walk into our science class. One time our teacher left the room and my friend dared me to get up on the table, grab my crotch, do MJ's famous leg kick and sing The Way You Make Me Feel. I was a little shy but I never held back when it came to Mike. So I did it.

I got all of my friends more into his music throughout high school. We would get to the point of popping that one burnt CD into the car's player and jam to Beat It and Bad while driving to our soccer, basketball and volleyball games. Even my coach would blast Rockin' Robin! 'Til this day, I can't stop jerking my head back and forth while I dance because of Michael Jackson. He taught me that move and it stuck. I know it doesn't look right while line dancing to country music but it can't be helped. I used to tell my high school buddies that you can snap along to the beat of almost any one of the man's songs. And boy, there isn't another artist out there who can dance better. Any time I have ever heard one of his fast tempo songs, I get chills. He has that effect! And I have to move. I can't contain myself. Even if I'm deeply depressed, when I hear one of his tunes, I'm ready to dance. No other musician has ever had such an immense impact on my life. He paved the way for my generation's pop artists and girl/boy bands without a doubt.

In college is where I really shined with my MJ obsession. Everyone in my dormitory knew me as "the chick that plays Michael Jackson music and dances." I always had people asking me to do the moonwalk. "Put on Billie Jean and I will," I told them. "And a smooth floor would help." Sometimes I would pay to attend the talent shows just to see someone performing as Michael. One of my best friends got me a DVD copy of most of his music videos. I would sit and watch it for hours. Dormmates would pass by my room and poke their head in to say, "I love that video!" Michael was driven to perfection. I'm reminded of myself with my passion for writing. I want to be the best at what I do. MJ did that. He's an inspiration for anyone with a passion. He revolutionized the music industry. I was still hoping to see him in concert even if he was moonwalking at 70 years old. That can't happen now but I'm glad he's left us with some incredible music, dance moves and videos.

I think what has made me most upset is people who are judging him after his sudden death. I read posts questioning, "Why are people so sad? It's not like he was Elvis." And others that only talk about being scared for their children because of people like him. Another person said MJ's life had been declining for the past 15 years so why are people acting like this is such a tragedy when his career died many years ago? I can understand these statements to an extent, but why are there always pessimistic people around every corner? Do they just crave attention? Can you not let people sympathize for the death of a man? For a friend, a brother, a son, a father? He was human, just like us. I'm not saying he's a god. Sometimes I get frustrated that God gave me such a big heart because I empathize with everyone whether I know them or not. I will put myself in their shoes and try to see where they're coming from. Michael had a rough childhood. His dad was hardest on him. He was the seventh of 9 children--born to perform. It is not a fact that Michael molested young boys. The first time he had surgery on his nose was because he fell on stage and broke it. It wasn't for vanity purposes. And people will always question whether he bleached his skin or if he had the skin disease he mentioned.

This is what I think. Michael Jackson has had as much, if not more, bad publicity, due to both rumors and strange behavior, than good. But when you die, do you want people remembering you for your wrongs at your funeral? That would suck. It would be like, "Dude, what was I even put on earth for if no one remembered how I changed it a little bit?" Every person affects the world in some way or another. Michael Jackson had a profound impact on the music business. He was respected as an artist by millions, including hundreds of celebrities who made appearances in his music videos, concerts and world-wide benefits. He helped break the race barrier. MTV wasn't playing Black artists until MJ's Thriller debuted on it. It was groundbreaking. Everyone started wearing the red, leather jacket with zippers, the single glittered glove and that hat. He was a pop icon. He was the pop icon.

Michael Jackson is one of the few artists inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame twice. He's won 13 Grammy Awards and had 13 number one singles in his solo career. He's set multiple world records for Guinness. He created some of the most popular dance moves that choreographers continue to build off of today, including the robot and moonwalk. I could go on and on about his achievments but it's almost 3:30 a.m. I've been breaking to watch MTV's non-stop replays of MJ music videos. BET has been doing the same. Most of the radio stations were dedicating the entire day to playing his music. It was special to me when my neighbors were opening their windows and turning up the volume so people could hear Michael's voice throughout the streets of Chicago. Honestly, I'm scared to fall asleep. I figure if I keep watching the news, his videos and listening to his music that he'll stay alive--that this was all a whacked-out dream. But I know when morning comes, I'll awake and think to myself, "Is Michael Jackson really dead?" As I'm sure most of his fans will ask the same. And thus, it begins to sink in and we learn to live with the loss of a legend. Our worlds slowly begin to spin again.

He is and will always remain one-of-a-kind. I extend my thoughts and prayers to Michael's family. Let's take the time to mourn but also to celebrate his lifetime of outstanding accomplishments!

Here are two videos I would like to share. I'm not posting his extremely famous ones because everyone has seen them at least once, if not a hundred times. The one's below represent how well-respected Mike was as one of the greatest performers of our time. He could get ANYONE in his videos. He wanted to help others; he wanted to change the world and it was contagious. Michael, you definitely left your mark on not only the world but our hearts.

R.I.P. August 29, 1958-June 25, 2009

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ethtD4R1kk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2W4-0qUdHY

Let us remember him for his unparalleled contribution to the world of music, his generosity of spirit in his quest to heal the world and the joy he brought to his millions of devoted fans throughout the world. -Mariah Carey

2009-06-10T17:53:00.002-05:00

Now I have Two

I promised it, so here it is. My outlook and opinions on music. Add it to your bookmarks.

http://lyricalsaga.blogspot.com/

I'll be updating it once a week on Tuesdays until further notice.

2009-06-10T14:10:00.009-05:00

Chemistry on the Court

We were taking a water break.

It seemed almost effortless the way one of the men was jumping to smack the backboard with his entire hand. What was he trying to prove? So you can hit the backboard. But I've got the backbone.

A couple weekends ago, I spent an afternoon playing basketball with my roommate and a group of strangers. Some women might hesitate when invited to go head-to-head verse a pack of men in a game of ball. Not me. I have always had faith in my ability to play basketball. It's the best adrenaline rush out there. I've played for most of my life. I hadn't really got into it during my years at college but about a week ago, I was focused and on my game. I can't tell you how many games we played but I can say, I never wanted it to end.

I felt alive.

I was driving to the basket and making my shots. Who was I? My shot had always been from the outside. There were no lines on the rough asphalt, no nets hanging from the rims and no red square on the backboard to guide my aim. I had no fear of getting shoved to the ground by guys three times my size, who brought nothing but their street game. And believe me, I was knocked around and almost knocked out at one point but I kept at it. I was getting complimented on how fast I was. I was the Big D on the court, sticking with my man at every cost. I think these big boys were impressed by a girl.

Usually I get a little giddy when someone's flirting with me but not on the court. My roommate was laughing with the man she was guarding because the guy I had been defending apparently liked me. Or maybe he was just turned on by my mad skills.

Then, beyond all doubt, I stole the ball and dunked on him.

OK, so I didn't. But it did cross my mind. If only I could wrap my little hands around a NBA-sized ball better. It's fascinating how something like a game of ball at a park can lift my spirits higher than anything purchased or guiltily indulged into my body. I felt like all I needed was a ball and a basket to produce instant happiness. Nothing else mattered while I was on that court. I made new friends that day, and I was probably the last player wanting to leave the scene. As my roommate and I drove off, I thought to myself how much I have missed the sparks created between the game of basketball and me. It is truly magical.

I'm hoping to get in to it more, especially since I'll have a full-sized court--with nets--at our new apartment complex. I did make my roommate search a few stores to find an actual WNBA-sized ball for us to play with. Hey, women do have smaller hands. But if I'm ever asked to play with the opposite sex again, you can bet that if they're out to prove manliness by shooting with a bigger ball, it's not going to repress my desire to step up and feel alive again.

This woman has backbone.

2009-05-26T17:53:00.024-05:00

The Wandering Nomad Settles?

I would have never saw myself traveling around the United States at 23 years old because I'm a poor kid, but God has shown me I can do whatever I desire. And you know what else? People are good. I have been blessed to know some amazing ones.

Right now, I am happy.

I've never felt like I have so much to say as I do now. Maybe that's just part of being happy--you want to share it with others. And happiness is contagious, just like a smile... or maybe a yawn. I'm sitting in the apartment watching the cat (who lives here as well) swipe his tail back and forth while sitting on the window sill staring at Chicago passersby. It's about to rain. OK, so what could possibly make me more happy? Writing, of course. Glad to be back on this again. I've missed you all.

I've realized I'm beginning another chapter of my life, as cliche as that sounds. I'm saddened by the fact that I might not get to "hang out" with my college buddies whenever I want, like I have for the past four years or so. I don't think I'll ever create friendships like those again but hopefully, I'll keep them forever. It's difficult for me to let go and deal with the question of when the next time will be that I'll see them again. But new people are being introduced into my life and that's reason enough to have a happy heart. A stranger today and a friend tomorrow. I love meeting new people.

I'm in great shape. That's keeping my mind in a healthy state as well. I'm working out five days a week and drinking more water than that which rolls off the falls of Niagara. I stopped drinking soda around my senior year of high school and stopped chewing gum this past year. Soda's not good for you in general and sugary gum is bad for my teeth. No, I'm not going to start chewing sugar-free gum. Sick. I guess I'm trying to discipline myself more. I've set up my own work out schedule and exercises since the beginning of college. I've stuck with it, varying a few things once in awhile. It's been five years. I'm feeling good and looking good.

Fantasy baseball. I've never taken part in online fantasy sports before this spring season, but I'm in a Yahoo! league with my siblings and a few others. I think I might be one of the only players who has never played. I didn't know how to play after I signed up, so I didn't get on for the first three weeks. I got on before the fourth week began and I was in last place. For the next three weeks, I taught myself how to play and how to get wins at that. I haven't lost since. I was in twelfth place--three weeks later I'm in sixth--but I'm headed for first. I love baseball and I'm committed to this fantasy thing.

For most of 2009, I've been living in Chicago. I visited home in St. Louis for two weeks and then took a Texas vacation for about two to three weeks. This past week I drove down to Atlanta, GA, to look at apartments and jobs. If things go well, I'll be moving down there at the end of June with my Chicago roomie. The road trip was only about a day and a half long but enticing. I got to see a few more states I had never been too, so I'm all for that. It's humid in Atlanta but I'm used to that from St. Louis and Abilene, TX. The state is really pretty. It has an abundance of tall trees. I think we found our apartment complex, which is south of Atlanta in the county of Riverdale. We fell in love with it. Basketball and tennis courts, two outdoor swimming pools, car wash, two laundry facilities, fitness/work out room, racquetball court, business center, etc. It's all gated in with security surrounded by hundreds of trees. The staff was extremely courteous. I'm hoping we're lucky enough to nab one of the few apartments left for rent. Atlanta's downtown is spread out. It's pretty big so I'm excited about that. I don't think I'll ever get bored. Why the move? Well, for one, my aspiring dream to become a rapper. But really, I love traveling and living in new places. In time, I felt like I could eventually call Atlanta "home." That might sound strange but it was a good feeling for me. And the fact that my favorite sixth grade teacher repped the city (Go Braves!) every day we were in his classroom. The warm weather's not bad either...

You know what's crazy? The longer I'm away from my family, the more I miss them, but whenever we're all together we get along like Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump. Or maybe a better analogy would be the Yankees and Red Sox. We're a pretty big family, especially if you throw our pets in the mix. I know my mom doesn't read this, which is probably a good thing, but I just wanted to say how proud of her I am. It has made me extremely happy what she's doing for herself. I'm just going to leave it at that. I don't think there's a person on the face of the planet who works harder than my father. My older brother is rockin' out English to the Costa Ricans or "Ticos" as they're called. I'm happy for him teaching others. I hope to visit him in Costa Rica. My older sister has the world in her hands. She's young, got her undergraduate and master's degree. She can do whatever she wants because she works her little behind off. And my younger brother? Well, he's still a dork but I'm proud of him for working this summer to pay off his courses he's going to take for the next couple months to further his college education. He's got a bright future ahead of him. No one motivates or inspires me more than these few people, even though I usually talk more about my friends. I love my family.

I've been getting in touch with numerous friends from my past. The experience is incredible to me. Who would have thought fifteen years later I'd be talking to a friend I used to study Bible verses with in Sunday School? Or to my first grade, best buddy who learned how to read with me sitting across from him? Kids I used to play foursquare and basketball with on the playground or jumped off the swings with in elementry school. I guess I owe thanks to Facebook. But also to these kids who are now grown adults making a living for themselves who haven't forgotten about the girl who kicked ass on the kickball grounds despite peeing her pants in the first grade. (Hey, everybody did it.) It's interesting to see how some of the "popular" kids from high school now have two to three children and are gaining weight rapidly. Or how the "nerds" now have college degrees and starting their careers. But then there were the average kiddos who are now married and have a baby on the way. Well, whatever makes people happy, more power to them! There's no such thing as popular anymore. You are who you are and you learn to accept it. I'm still finding myself and what I want... and it might take the rest of my life, but I know what I stand for and what I believe in. I won't back down. I'm fascinated by my old friends returning into my new life. There's a lot of catching up to do but oddly enough, they're still the same friends I had when I stood four feet high--passionate and genuine.

If I can get back into school this coming fall or next spring after I move to Atlanta, I'm thinking about changing my print journalism degree to Public Relations and getting into advertising. It's still under the wing of journalism. If not that, maybe photography. I have taken classes in both subjects and earned the highest grade in both classes. I'm not trying to sound conceited; I just want to go down a path I'm interested in and can achieve greatness. I have the opportunity to be more creative in those majors than print journalism. I have experience writing for a newspaper and the deadlines and forced news stories aren't forgiving to work with. I am definitely sticking with the arts though. I'm an imaginative person. And yes, I'm still planning on writing a screenplay and even a book or two... or three. I'm thinking about starting another blog. It's going to deal with music--individual songs specifically. Each entry will be written/reviewed about a song of my choice. I have a variety of ideas so hopefully I'll find some time to get it up and running soon. Yes, I'm keeping this particular blog. I just wanted to expand my writing more.

Last week, I was woke up around six in the morning by a strange sound outside my bedroom window. I thought it was a bird or squirrel. I looked out the window to see a baby raccoon scratching at the pane. I had never heard the sound a raccoon makes until then. At three years old, you don't normally learn it along with "the cow goes 'moo' and the pig goes 'oink'." But this little raccoon was adorable. If I wouldn't have known better, (rabies) I would have ran outside and kept it as my own. It wasn't five minutes later when it's mother jumped off the back of a pick-up truck parked nearby and headed toward my window as well. Now, this momma raccoon wasn't one to reckon with. She looked like a fat, ugly, stray dog. Anyway, they eventually ran off and I fell back asleep. The next night, my roomie and I heard the baby raccoon out back again so we went to go see it. It was limping around because it's back leg had been hurt. It's momma was no where to be seen. This baby raccoon was crying out a lot. My heart broke because there was nothing I could do for it. We went out to eat and I'll admit, it was hard for me to get my mind off that little guy (or girl!). We haven't seen it since. My roommate thinks it died and when she saw the look on my face after saying that, she quickly responded back with, "But I'm sure it's in raccoon heaven." Maybe it did die but I don't want to think about it. I was almost brought to tears seeing it like that. Maybe I'm a pansy but maybe I just love all of God's creatures big or small. OK, maybe not snakes. We need more veterinarians in the world. Ones that go out on rescue calls to save limping, baby raccoons in Chicago dark alleyways.

I hope I can understand that I don't have to keep traveling to keep life interesting. I just have to be creative with where I am, my resources and the people around me. I need to start focusing on my talents and refine them. I want to get extremely good at something, if not the best. I want to make a name for myself and help change the world, if even by affecting one person positively. I know I can. I'm very blessed...

But I make that known often.

2009-05-01T17:17:00.001-05:00

New post coming Monday the 4th or Tuesday the 5th. (Yes, May.)

2009-03-30T17:52:00.010-05:00

Meandering at 23

I hide my emotions very well... except when I write. That's OK with me though.

Lately, I've been so stressed out that I've been grinding my teeth harder than I ever have while I sleep at night. I cracked my molar the other night and chipped a piece off. I woke up today with a bite mark on the inside of my cheek. If I ever needed a sign that I was stressed, I would say that would be it.

I wish I didn't let people get to me the way that I do. Nothing frustrates me more than when a person tries to decieve, judge or change me. That's why I am extremely thankful for the handful of close friends I have even if they're scattered around the states. They know me. They understand me. They're patient. They listen. I received a late birthday card from my best friend who I haven't seen since last October. I can't remember the last time I had laughed out loud so much--and from only words on a card! But they are my best friend's words and I cherish every one of them. She knows me better than anyone. Today, I've had a couple of my buddies sincerely ask what they could do to help. I can't explain how much of a comfort it is to know that I have people in this world that would do anything for me. When someone tells me that seeing me happy is what makes them happy, I can't help but smile. There is nothing in my life right now that means more to me than genuine friendship.

I know I'm not the greatest friend. I know my biggest fault revolves around attendance issues but I am loyal. I would do anything for my friends. I'm 23 now and I have a feeling I'll be a wandering nomad until God reveals a plan for my life. I'm uncertain what I want so I'll continue to search until I know. I'm OK with it. The only part that gets to me at times is never feeling like I have a home. I'm always a visitor. And where I grew up? It's just my parent's place. It's disheartening to feel like you don't belong anywhere but life's like that sometimes. I know I belong to God but sadly, it doesn't feel like that's enough. (If I get struck down by lightning today, you'll know why.)

I have a big trip ahead of me. I am not a planner; I let other people plan. I've learned better. Nothing in my life has ever gone "according to plan." Change is constant and inevitable! Listening to music and writing are my only escape. When I was younger, playing basketball made the list as well. I'm hoping I'll get lucky enough to add another golden leisure to it after making this trip--sitting on a beach. I have never seen one, save from pictures online, tv, movies or magazines. I know beaches are synonymous for R and R and the majority of people swarm toward them for vacation, but I believe the magic evoked from seeing one for the first time will engrave itself upon my heart forever. All I've ever had is a desire to live on or near a beach. I've never visited one but the thought alone is incredibly peaceful, meditative and awe-inspiring. Nothing calms me more than being outdoors exploring Mother Nature's beauty. It comforts the soul.

I have a cat. She's about six or seven. She's my cat. Her name's Gracie. Truthfully, I'm more of dog person but I love this cat. She was the outcast of her litter; the only gray cat out of tabbies. She's small. She's dumb. Boy, is this cat dumb. She loves me though and she knows me. I think my traveling has been taking it's toll on her. I've been back at my parent's place for two weeks and she hasn't left my side--or lap--once. No one really likes her. She's kind of a menace at times. I still love her. My parent's have wanted to get rid of her more times than I can count. I'm going to miss her when I leave again. A pet's devotion is consoling.

Well, one good thing about living out of a suitcase is avoiding the hassle of packing before a trip! So I'm set.

2009-03-21T00:35:00.002-05:00

Here are a couple videos my friend sent me for my 23rd birthday:

2009-03-18T01:47:00.021-05:00

I spent 56 days in Chicago.

Here are my observations throughout that time:

1) We ordered Chinese and the egg rolls were as thick as my forearm.

2) Flash flood warnings! The streets flood as high as the curbs and surrounding grassy areas turn into lakes. Apparently there are no sewer systems. Get some rain boots... and maybe a canoe.

3) SNOW, SNOW, SNOW! Piles and piles. When it snows, it snows. And it looks beautiful when it does.

4) Coldness. Chilliness. Windy-ness. -17 degrees was the lowest it dropped. It really is the "windy" city. Hat, gloves and scarf required! (Long johns optional but recommended.)

5) No cell phone talk while driving. Against the law. Honestly, I think it will keep more people safe.

6) EVERYONE parks on the steets! Learn how to parallel park (and I mean well!) before making the move to this city or else you'll be getting towed. What's funny is seeing lawn chairs, baby strollers, bbq pits and a plethora of other random items sitting between cars to save someone's parking spot. A little ghetto? Yes, but do you want to walk 6 blocks carrying groceries? There's a parking war out there. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

7) Racially integrated. There are SO many different people in Chicago. I ate at a tiny, "hole-in-the-wall" diner called Huddle House around 2 a.m. one morning. Whites, Blacks, Mexicans, Asians, etc. mingled while ordering and eating superb cuisine. Walking the streets, I passed by a conglomeration of cramped shops continuing on for blocks, which were run by a variety of races. Most chose to decorate their front windows of their shops with authentic, cultural merchandise. Window shopping's never been so outlandish but intriguing. The people are awesome.

8) Radio jockeys on the hit music stations are raunchy and dense. One evening, a RJ had listeners call in to share funny ways of telling your partner/lover that you have a STD. And the advertisements between songs are usually targeted at young women to apply for a job as a show girl or stripper at a local nightclub. And there is one located on nearly every block.

9) Trash trucks made it a priority to wake me up twice a week around 4 or 5 a.m. The trash men are vampires and only operate before sunrise. And the trucks sound like 100 lbs of C-4 exploding outside your window.

10) Some areas were scattered with trash among the sidewalks, which was a little repugnant. A lot of littering. Although, lots of cool things to see if you can brave your way through occasional filth. The city seems repelled from sewers and... trash cans?

11) $5 haircuts. Can't personally tell you if the cheap price leaves customers with cheap hair do's.

12) THICK pizza. EXTRAORDINARY pizza.

13) Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks everywhere. So many places stay open 24/7. Great for late-nighters like myself.

14) Taxi cabs, Taxi cabs, Taxi cabs!

To be entirely honest, I didn't get out as much as I would have liked to. I wanted to navigate my way around downtown taking pictures and exploring the beach on the lake. I did enjoy my (almost 2-month) trip though. It's such a big city so I'm planning on returning soon to continue my nomadic journey. For now, I'm residing in the Lou plotting my next move.

2009-02-27T17:11:00.005-06:00

Believing in Others

Last night, I received one of the most touching compliments of my life:

"You have everything inside of you to accomplish whatever it is you want to do. You have inside of you what everyone wishes they had."

If that doesn't inspire the recipient, what would?

I have a quote written down in one of my notebooks that was said by Albert Einstein or Mark Twain. When I return home, I'll look it up. But the gist of it was that he could live off one compliment for up to a month. When I can tell that someone is sincerely making the effort to encourage me, what they say is not only processed in my mind but stored in my heart, for what I believe, will remain the rest of my life.

What was said to me last night felt awfully genuine and it moved me. I think I'll live off that one for a few years, if not until I'm six feet under.

2009-02-10T19:23:00.002-06:00

Maybe Elmer's Glue Could Hold Me Together

I feel torn apart.

How in the world can I feel so much happiness while feeling ripped in two? One of my best friends is having extremely bad health problems and my other best friend was finally able to return to the U.S. after being forced to leave a few years ago. I am so ecstatic to see her and her children again that I can barely sleep at night. However, the pain I know my other friend is experiencing also plays its part in keeping me awake.

For the past couple years, all I've wished for is to be in a room with the two of them again. I started to lose hope it would happen and that we had already spent our time together as friends, but that ray of hope is beginning to shine again. I've never met anyone like those two women. They're the only people who actually understand me and love me in spite of my idiosyncrasies, bad habits and occasional attitude. They know where I'm coming from and can relate.

You know you're really missing someone when you're constantly having dreams about him or her. I never have much of a plan but I'm going to figure out a way to visit them--both are residing in Texas. They have brought so much joy into my life.

I keep praying to God the He watches over one of them continually--healing her--while I also thank Him for bringing the other and her children back to the States safely.

This is all I can update for now because it's all that's been on my mind.

2009-01-27T13:30:00.006-06:00

Rambles.

So I ran off to the Windy City.

Just trying to clear my head up here. Right now I have a tummy ache and I feel like writing a little bit but I don't feel like putting a lot of effort toward this. So bear with me. Oh my gosh, so many things have affected my life in the past month and there's not a soul that knows of them but me. I'm realizing I'm getting more stubborn and hard-headed as time passes--more set in my ways. When I think I can't get any more lost in my life it happens. I'm not afraid to admit I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, and I've become good at letting down a few close friends because of it. It's no excuse but that's what I tend to do when those I love continually let me down. I start to believe I can trust no one.

I have realized who my true friends are... the ones that will always, always be there for me no matter how much of an ass I make of myself. They stick by my side because they take the time to ask, listen and attempt to understand me for who I am and what I'm going through. My goodness, I am so thankful for the few buddies that I know will never give up on me. In the past month, I've been hurt by a few I have considered good friends. I don't even think they realize it to be honest. It kills me when people jump to conclusions, assume things or misjudge. I've mentioned this before but I can be an extremely independent person. This is who I am. I need to run off sometimes and do my own thing. I need to make mistakes and learn from them and experience everything in life. This is who I am. And yes, a lot of the time I want to do it alone. So yeah, I'm always going to be "dropping off the face of the planet" every once in awhile to escape. I am in no shape or form ready to "settle down" as practically 90% of people my age are doing. I still have a lot of crap I want to figure out about myself and I truly felt like I needed to come to Chicago to work a little more on understanding me... and life in general. My friend is taking good care of me and is older and wiser so I'm not taking a moment of her presence or advice for granted. She's one of those friends that straight up tells ya what the hell needs to be said. I need that right now. Last night I lay in bed thinking to myself that I have an angel wanting to help get my act together. That's why I'm here. I accepted a helping hand for once in my life and it hurts a bit that some closest to me are not as understanding about this but more so judgmental and selfish. You have no idea how incredibly difficult it is for me to accept any form of help throughout my life. I am programmed to depend on and accomplish everything by myself. I just realized that's probably why I'm getting nowhere anymore. My response to doing everything on my own was, "Well, it's just me." My friend snapped back, "No, that's who you choose to be." She's a punk but she's right.

I have no idea how long I will be here but that's the furthest thing from my mind currently. My heart's bigger than my head and it tends to run me into rough situations at times. I need to balance the two out.

Anyway, the main thing on my heart right now is my best friend. A couple days ago I found out her health's acting up again and she's in pretty bad shape. I can't do a thing about it and that's killing me. She's forever miles away from me and I feel like my hands are tied. I'm worrying so much about her but all I got are my prayers for you kid. I have faith God will take care of you. For once, don't be as stubborn as we both are and accept some help. I need you to get healthy. I am so sorry I am not there with you but if you say the word I swear to you I will find a way down there a.s.a.p.

OK, it's like single-digits cold and when I open my friend's apartment door there is snow piled up to my waist against the brick walls... there's ice all over the steps. You want cold, you visit Chicago in the middle of winter. Drops into the negatives every night. I think I'm gonna finish my bagel and take a little nap to rid my achey belly.

After that, I'm going to find Oprah.

2009-01-19T06:31:00.005-06:00

Forever a Nomad

I'm headed to Chicago for awhile.

Maybe something will spark inspiration within me to write again.

2008-12-25T18:28:00.005-06:00

Today is Christmas.

This is my 22nd. And this time, it has a different meaning to me. For the past twenty-one Christmases, I have spent them at home with the five other members of my family and our pets. No matter where any one of us is, we manage to uphold our tradition of coming together for this special day. But not this year; this year, it's different.

A friend told me that time will always manage to bring change. I'm not fond of the latter but who really is? I'll admit, for me, Christmas isn't the same without snow on the ground, red and green decorations, stockings hung, classic holiday carols, a tree with lights and presents underneath it. Oh, and family of course. However, this year, I've realized December 25th is still Christmas with or without the previous.

Despite how mundane this holiday is for me this year, it remains special because I've received joy in my heart. I know that millions of kids had many of their wishes come true today. I know that strangers were nicer to other strangers today. For this one day, people are generous, kind, and gentle. For this one day, people believe in more than just themselves. People are with other people they love or at least make an effort in calling their loved ones. Today, people think of others.

I know, I know. Why can't everyone act this way everyday? I believe there are those of us who try to. But no matter, Christmas will always be the day of bringing warmth into the coldest hearts--the Grinches and Scrooges.

I don't need a gift under a tree today. I don't even need my family together. I know I'm loved and I love them. I'm healthy, young, talented, compassionate; I have amazing friends who accept me for who I am and I'm extremely blessed.

So, sorry Santa but God's got me covered this season!

p.s. Merry Christmas to my readers. I hope you received everything you wished for but more importantly, I hope you are happy.

2008-12-21T14:45:00.016-06:00

Heart

Without it you'd die

With it, you thrive

At times it opens

At times it closes

In moments it's broken

From those outspoken

It attempts to avoid the hurt

Brushing off any emotional dirt

But never truly will it ever convert

For it longs for the one it will never desert

Sometimes they're fake

Causing others to break

And ache

A few believe in fate

While others hate

It takes its chances

It does its dances

Holding back

Worrying what it lacks

Learning to let go

It just goes with the flow

Forgetting all woe

His feels it's alright

Because it's worth the fight

Hers feels guarded

The past left one's bombarded

I've met a couple made of gold

A few more so unfortunately cold

One I just wanted to hold

And another worth the scold

A child's is whole

As pure as his soul

Others long

For a time that's come and gone

A risk it was too timid to take

Now left in its sorrowful wake

Many give theirs away

Expecting nothing in repay

Recipients sway

Then comes decay

Enthralled,

In love it falls

The good, the bad upon it that's brought

To more than just an organ that's always fought

Is it worth going through again

It feels the need to defend

Does it cry out

Does it shout

Does it wreak of doubt

Please discard your fear

You are lovely and endeared

Everything's welcome here

Including your tears

Let me hear it beat

It's fond of deceit

So you retreat

Hard as concrete

Pardon me, you disagree?

Well reveal it and we shall see

I believe it holds the power to move mountains indeed

It favors no race, color or creed

Unattached to greed

Only for love it pleads

Courage professes it take the lead

Its pain from the past will learn to precede

The future's offer of warmth and compassion it needs

The heart is heavy

The heart is humble

The heart reaches out

The heart takes a tumble

You think your heart's ability to love has ended

Let me show you how it can be mended

Take the leap of faith and stop feeling so vain
This time choose the heart over the brain

For once, go against the grain

Break through fear's chains

Let Love Reign

2008-12-15T22:13:00.003-06:00

tHe LeT dOwN

I feel this intense desire to write what my heart is feeling at this very moment.

But I can't.

2008-12-11T08:55:00.028-06:00

Walk like an Egyptian, Live like a Dead Pharaoh

Copies of the Book of the Dead were placed in the tombs of deceased royalty. Written by various scribes over a period of years, the book is made up of spells and magic formulas as well as some general tips about making a good impression in the Hereafter; Chapter 125, for example, suggests that when the dead ruler appears before the gods of judgment, he should make it a point to list all the evil things he has NOT done.
-The Mummy, DVD Bonus Material

OK, so I'm a bit of a nerd; I like to explore all of my DVD's special features. If I paid for it, I might as well get as much use out of what it has to offer. Noticeably, I just finished watching the first part of The Mummy trilogy. And granted, the special affects aren't spectacular but I'm more interested in the cheesy, romantic-adventure plot anyway. Plus, I've always been fascinated by the history Egypt. There's not a place on earth like it.

I opened this entry with a fact about an Egyptian artifact known as the Book of the Dead. I read this fact while navigating through The Mummy's special features. The part that struck me was the last line: When a dead ruler appears before the gods of judgment, he should make it a point to list all the evil things he has NOT done. Key word being "not" obviously. If you believe in a higher being, such as God, you've probably stopped a few times to think about what it would be like to stand in front of Him as your lifetime of sins, mistakes, trangressions, demons--whatever you find yourself calling them--are read back to you. It's a scary thought for believers or non-believers for that matter. I think it was so horrendous in fact, that the Egyptians wouldn't dare wish it upon their dignified, powerful, honorable pharaohs. Thus, the scribes wrote that their "deceased royalty" should make it a point, instead, to list the evil acts they have not committed throughout their lives.

How incredible that would be to go back through our lives and reveal to others the times we chose to do right despite the sweet temptation of wrong.

The statement from Chapter 125 in the Book of the Dead seems similar to the human nature of wanting to change the subject. "Well yeah, I've done this, tried that, had this habit for many years, lied to these people, cheated on so-and-so, but let's check out all the times I was an "angel," when it would have been easier had I not cared one bit. I could have done drugs with them but I didn't. I could have got into bed with that person but I didn't." Or maybe it's like denial? "Actually, I couldn't really help myself. That wasn't my fault. I had a bad childhood so it was my parents fault I turned out like that. I had to lie to fit in. The way my spouse treated me turned me to the booze and drugs." Excuses to cover up irresponsibility. We all would much rather have our mistakes locked away in the past or erased for eternity. I believe they're forgiven but not forgotten as much as we'd like them to be at times. If a person is sincerely sorry for what's occurred, he or she tries their best to steer clear of making the same mistake. They learn from it and move on.

I wonder what made the lists of the great Egyptian pharaohs when presenting to their gods what evil things they had not done. "When I stubbed my toe on my buddy's sarchophagus at his funeral, I could have taken the deity Horus or Osiris's name in vain but I did not." "I could have commanded my obese servants to race to the top of the great pyramids for my personal entertainment but I did not." "The time my high priest, Apepi, brought me a tablet created to enforce the laws of my land, I saw two hieroglyphic birdies and a snail mixed up on law XVII; I rearranged them correctly. I could have left the meaning as follows: 'It is encouraged for Egyptians to urinate on Ramesses tomb.' I mean, c'mon, you know how much I hated that guy; I could have left it be but I didn't." "I could have dressed up in Cleopatra's headdress, wig and gold jewelry when I was inaugurated as pharaoh but I didn't."

I'm curious as to what other "tips" are dispersed throughout the Book of the Dead for Egypt's deceased rulers. Maybe a way to return to the earth and pull practical jokes on enemy nations or the ability to transform into a Sphinx?

Too bad I won't die a pharaoh.

2008-12-09T09:28:00.019-06:00

In the past few years, I have grown fond of the band The Fray. Not only do I enjoy their music, but I respect the lead singer for his ability to not only perfom vocally and instrumentally but write passionate lyrics for the group. I've always been captivated by the sounds created from a piano and it is no doubt one of the reasons I'm attracted to this band. Also, I don't think there's a music group I've been able to relate with every song on an album before The Fray. Everyone has their opinions and favorite musicians; The Fray makes the top of my list. I can pick one of their songs, put it on repeat and listen to it for hours. It just has a nostalgic, relaxing affect on me. Over My Head (Cable Car), How to Save a Life and Look After You were a few of The Fray's hits and I can promise, there will be more to come. They've just recently released a single from their upcoming album, The Fray, which is called, You Found Me. I wasn't suprised at myself for falling in love with it after the first time I heard it; it's powerful. I can be obsessive about decoding the meaning of a song, especially if I feel attached to it. Kudos to Issac Slade for always taking the time to explain the reasoning for his choice of words.

You Found Me is a tough song for me. Its about the disappointment, the heart ache, the let down that comes with life. Sometimes you’re let down, sometimes you’re the one who lets someone else down. It gets hard to know who you can trust, who you can count on. This song came out of a tough time, and I’m still right in the thick of it. There’s some difficult circumstances my family and friends have been going through over the past year or so and can be overwhelming. It wears on me. It demands so much of my faith to keep believing, keep hoping in the unseen. Sometimes the tunnel has a light at the end, but usually they just look black as night. This song is about that feeling, and the hope that I still have, buried deep in my chest. -Issac Slade, writer of "You Found Me," lead singer and pianist of The Fray

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, Where you been?
He said, Ask anything.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who’s ever known
Who I am
Who I’m not, and who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me?

"You Found Me" -The Fray

To listen, visit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs51Fo9fuGM

2008-12-08T22:34:00.021-06:00

My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
-Sound of Music

Colorful fireworks contrasting with the dark, night sky
Thousands of large, falling snowflakes masquerading the ground
Stars that shine brightly inviting a glimpse of another world
Luminous rays spread only from the rising sun

Music that deeply moves the soul
Lyrics written from experience of heartbreak, love and determination
Beats created to shake the spirit
Exquisite harmony released from angelic voices

Greetings from a stranger
Mercy shown from the unexpected
Belief when the impossible besieges
Joy in the facial expression of a child

Messages, notes and cards revealing the gratitude of a friend
Contagious smiles and obnoxiously, big grins
Genuine encouragement, compliments and persistent support
Forgiving friendships, second chances and tough-love speeches

Humanity's ability to love
Love's ability to create peace
Peace's ability to bring happiness
Happiness's ability to appreciate life

Movies that continue to inspire long after leaving the theater
Individuals who devote their life to a passion
Hold the tights, capes and gadgets; real heroes save the day without the fame:
Teachers, firefighters, missionary doctors and pro-bono lawyers

Stories that intrigue the mind and keep the imagination running wild
Truth revealed from a committed reporter
Knowledge learned from desire and wisdom attained through patience
Traditions passed on from one generation to the next

Loyalty of a beloved pet
History bestowed upon youth from their elders
Warmth of a crackling fire midst winter's cold breath
Moments with family and faith discovered through inconceivable ways

Laughter and lots of it
Tackling hugs
Piggyback rides
Big or little, a shoulder to lean on

Gifts without pricetags
Acceptance without stubborness to earn
Magic that keeps the brain pondering for solutions
Dedication to achieve ambitions of the heart

Saying "I love you" without saying it
Unseen giving
Compassion toward those labeled as misfits and sinners
Miracles not only made on 34th Street

These are a few of my favorite things.

2008-12-06T23:44:00.012-06:00

Working it Out

I've been working out a lot. Sometimes I have to drag myself through my workouts but lately I feel pushed. I wake up looking forward to the part of my day when I get to release everything weighing me down through hard, physical lifting, punching and kicking. It definitely helps relieve the stress and anger. Right now I'm downloading songs to add to the iPod for my "workout" playlist. One of my favorite videos is "Energy" by Keri Hilson. It's a great song. I'm also liking "Just Dance" by Lady GaGa featuring Colby O'Donis. I usually exercise to rap or rock. Makes sense, right? You'd never catch me doing crunches to Beethoven's symphonies, with all due respect Ludwig.

On a more personal note, I've been thinking about relationships for the past few weeks. I don't think they're for me. It's not that I have this intense desire to live life as a player; it's just the fact that I tend to use them as a crutch, at least in previous experiences. It kind of scares me the way I am able to make special people fall in love with me. I'd rather not hurt anyone else. I need to improve infinite qualities about myself before sharing them with others. I need to see the positive things others see in me. Plus, I might have commitment issues, incredibly headstrong ways and walls built up that would take General Patton and his army to destroy. Maybe I just don't like feeling vunerable. I guess it's profitable that I have realized all of this, but I secretly can't help but feel a bit jaded with every invitation I receive for another friend's wedding or baby shower. And in absolutely no way does that hinder my feelings of pride toward any of them; there's almost nothing in this world that fills my heart with joy more than seeing my friends happy and in love. Each one of them deserves it. With time, I hope I see that I do too.

As for now, I place myself in the third person a lot and tell people Jayme needs to accomplish some things for herself. I'm not at liberty to say when those things will start falling together but with every day I pray they will sooner than later. I've let a lot of people control the way I feel about myself, and I'm trying to break free of those restraints. I lose motivation in pursuing a successful path for my life because I'm not entirely sure what I want to do, where I want to go. Of course my passion is right in front of me but I can't make a living writing in a blog. I've grown fond of the idea of getting into advertising but I need to obtain a degree first; I need credibility. I need an opportunity to get back into school. For now, I keep attempting to communicate with businesses to attain employment. It's a struggle currently but I'm set on it. In the past few months my infatuation with writing has caught fire; my life is a mess but I've never been more focused on these words. That's my joy for now.

I didn't really have a preferred topic for what I wanted to write about with this entry. I just wanted to write, so ramble on I did. It's theraputic. For me, it's like pulling teeth to open up and talk about intimate things so if that's ever what you're after, it'd be smart of you to follow the path toward my writing. It reveals all.

Well, almost.

OK, time to go kickbox some stress... I'm out.

2008-12-03T05:12:00.012-06:00

Hey God, are you there?

It's me, Jayme.

Man, I am super bummed. I try to remain as optimistic as possible, but sometimes I just have to throw my hands up. I'm only writing this because, if I didn't, I'd be extra bummed that I'm not feeling my passion. So, I vent. I write.

Money. My gosh, I hate that word. Sometimes I love that word but only in the moment. Right now, I hate it. I could devote a plethora of blog entries to the subject. It's helped destroy so many things in my life; ok, the lack there of. I wish more people revolved around God instead of money. I'm poor. With that being said, I unfortunately miss out on many opportunities in life. Oh, it's definitely humbled me. It's almost impossible for me to take anything for granted. But sometimes I just wish You would cut me some slack. I rarely pity myself. I get angry at myself for doing so. The closest I'll come to feeling sorry for myself is venting in a blog. This might be my only entry that I'm happy with the fact that my blog gets little attention. I just need to write this one for the sake of it. I believe in honesty. My writing can be blunt. I'm real and my writing is truth. If you don't know, writers crave experience--whether good or bad. Thus, we're very compassionate, empathizing people. We have a lot of emotion and our best way of showing it is via writing of course.

More than anything in the world, at this very moment, I wish I had a way to be at my best friend's college graduation on December 12. There's almost nothing more I'll ever regret than missing it. I wish I could be at my cousin's wedding on Saturday. I wish I could have taken one of my high school friends out for her birthday yesterday. I wish I could have been back in town for one of my best friend's baby shower. I wish one of the six to seven businesses I've applied to would communicate with me so I can start working. I wish I could buy my family what they ask for this Christmas. I wish my family didn't judge or disrespect me. That's the core of my frustration and pain; it's left me bent. Sometimes things aren't just about a new cell phone; it goes a hell of a lot deeper. I would do anything to help a family member. Through time, I've learned the harsh reality that the favor's not always returned. I wish people said what they felt. And I wish people would brave the truth. I wish I could spend a day with one of my closest friends who lives in another continent. It makes me sick how much I miss her. I wish I didn't cop out of some opportunities that actually come my way. I wish I had the courage to accomplish ideas I have in my head but instead, I fear the process and response. I wish I could dimiss the anger that's mounted to my heart toward those I love that have belittled me. I wish I could learn a better way of showing people I care because, I do. Screw pride. That's all I've learned from my family. They're so set in their ways. I'm asking You, God, to help me take the time to ask, listen and attempt to comprehend. I wish those who have fallen away from Your ways are able to find You again. I hope I don't let the opinions of those people closest to me control me and push me into a nobody. I hope I find the strength from You to go after something for myself and no other soul. I hope I stop caring about particular people's judgment. I pray my readers realize that it's ok to be angry, confused and discontent sometimes, even if you're known as the happy, funny, optimistic person.

Yeah, I'm still bummed but not super. Thanks God for granting me with my writing. Thanks for my health. Thanks for people who love me. Thanks for my readers and bless them as always. You've shown me many miracles in only 22 years. I have no doubt there will be more in the time to come. Even though I feel like the world's on my shoulders, please help me see all you've given me.

Amen.

2008-11-29T02:13:00.005-06:00

I am a Superwoman, yes I am

One of the greatest artists of our generation and a major, inspirational song dedicated to the women of our world.

2008-11-24T04:12:00.007-06:00

Right now, that's exactly where I want to be. I think Italy has to be one of the most gorgeous places on the face of earth. How inspiring, breathtaking and peaceful it would be to sit on a hill in the countryside of Italy or walk through a vineyard. If I was granted the opportunity to stand and stare out over that country's canvas God painted so beautifully, I'm sure I would be overwhelmed with emotion. Comforted, relaxed, speechless, galvanized, awe-struck, happy... I would fall back into a field and gaze up at the picturesque, blue sky as the white, billowing clouds floated by. I'd feel the breeze through the tall grass tickling my face. I'd breathe in the fresh, crisp air and release it slowly as I marveled at the serenity, grace and purity of such a heavenly place within my grasp. I would wonder how the world is able to force such ugliness upon people while maintaining so much beauty.

Yes, that would be my ideal environment. I bet I could create a lot of meaningful writing there. I would feel invincible, like I could conquer all my fears, unanswered questions and doubts.

A presto!

2008-11-21T04:47:00.007-06:00

A Beautiful Mess

I've been a long time gone now, Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down, but I've always found my way somehow, By taking the long way, taking the long way around. -Dixie Chicks

I learn things the hard way. I always have and I always will. I've accepted it. Like the Dixie Chicks sing, I'm taking the long way around. It makes my life 99% more difficult living it this way but it's just how I'm programed. I get myself into serious situations time after time and I need to experience them until something clicks within me. I question, "Is this really me?" I guess it's a continual process of me trying to find out who I truly am. Sometimes I feel positive that I know myself but as that confirmation begins to boost my confidence, once again, I'm thrown into a downward spiral of self-questioning and doubt. I am only 22 but I can look back at my past and see what paths I could have taken to avoid mishaps, regrets and broken hearts. That's just not how it works though.

Who I am at this exact moment is equivalent to everything that's molded me from days, months, years, friendships and relationships prior. Is there such a thing as going too far down a path and not being able to find your way onto another? At times I see this part of me that I've always considered to be just that, a small part of me, not something that completely defines me. Maybe I'm just deceiving myself. We all despise ourselves at one time or another. We let ourselves down. If we're smart we learn from it, forgive ourselves and move on. What if I'm stuck on a path that is really the future route for my life and I just don't realize it? That scares me. I need someone to shine a light on an area of brush that could unveil a better path for my life. The one I'm currently on is growing me weary. I fear what the consequences could be if I finally "learn the hard way" on this path I've slowly found myself traveling upon. But knowing myself--my headstrong ways--running into trouble, anxiety and misfortune is inevitable.

I guess my comfort is knowing I have people in my life that will understand (or make the attempt) and will love me unconditionally. I appreciate them and they continue to save me from myself. I pray I don't sell myself short of who I know I can become. My biggest fear is failing myself and failing God. I worry too much about disappointing others when it honestly comes down to my life and my life alone in the end. I'm not afraid of going my own way and taking risks. Sometimes it leaves me inbetween a rock and a hard place, but I always manage to escape with minor bumps and bruises.

I view life as a challenge. Every day brings something new, and although learning the hard way has left me broken and labeled a ragamuffin, it's also opened my eyes and heart to unimaginable strength, compassion, forgiveness and love. I guess it's a beautiful mess. I want to uncover more of the good within me instead of calamity. I believe it's still possible. I just need to be led off the path of destruction.

2008-11-13T16:52:00.006-06:00

Happiness

[last narration lines] Christopher Gardner: This part of my life... this part right here? This is called "happyness." -The Pursuit of Happyness

Have you ever been so blessed to bask in happiness? I am getting the opportunity and I'm not taking a moment for granted. It's like pure joy. It's allowing me to find beauty in the smallest things. Everything has seemed to change for the better because of it. My struggles seem to be lifted, if even momentarily. The part of you that feels empty is filled. You have a new perspective on life. You view others as their best possible version. You're optimistic. I'm actually able to appreciate all the adversity and misfortune in life I've grown accustomed to because it makes the taste of true happiness one hundred times sweeter. It's human nature to ask the ultimate question, "Why am I here?," but when happiness falls into your lap unexpectedly, things just seem to make sense. The world needs more love, more kindness, more compassion. And with that said, happiness tends to follow. I'm thankful I'm getting the chance to experience it.

I'm keeping this post short because, for once, I'm at a loss for words. I think that's OK though. Sometimes a feeling is so overwhelming it's better to sit back and bask in it.

2008-11-06T03:41:00.001-06:00

This is how you get me to watch Star Wars... (p.s. Mad props to Vader on Thriller.)

2008-11-04T21:35:00.003-06:00

Choices

Indecision gets you nowhere in life. Unfortunately, that's all I've known throughout mine. I think it plays a big part with me growing up shy; I was never outspoken. When I'm with a group of people or even a friend, I'm usually indifferent to what we do or where we eat. I used to force the other person to choose. In the past few years, moving away from home and living on my own, I've learned to discover more about myself, evolving into a more outgoing individual. I've gotten a lot better at making decisions for myself and not surrendering my choice.

I think one of the reasons people are indecisive is because they're either trying to be nice and go along with the majority or they're fearful of going against the grain and getting judged or ridiculed. Confidence plays its role I guess. I've been on the other end of asking someone what they choose and he or she just tells me "I don't know." After awhile that gets old and at times, frustrating. I've learned that I'm attracted and intrigued by those who know what they want in life. I've found it makes for good conversation. I guess I expect those around my age or older to have values and goals set for themselves, no matter how small. Knowing what you believe in and having a sense of purpose or direction for yourself helps you make decisions.

I think because I'm young and not entirely informed on certain topics--those which society holds in high regard--I remain withheld from choosing one side or the other. I don't always view things as black and white. I wouldn't say I'm apathetic but more torn between the two because I usually have strong feelings for each. I enjoy listening to debates and arguments, when they're of intelligent nature. I tend to empathize for both sides and that's what makes it difficult for me to choose one and stand my ground. I think when a person is thrown into a particular situation, their judgment and stance on the matter could change vastly. Example? I know someone who always believed in pro-life until she accidently became pregnant and her views switched in an instant; she secretly had an abortion. And for those who support the war going on in Iraq? I wonder if the majority actually have a son or daughter deployed in the military; if not, it would make it easier to support such a war. What would happen if their son came home saying he enlisted? Would those same people still believe in the fighting?

My faith, believing in God and His Word are all a rock for me. I won't sway on the grounds of my spirituality. That is the most important thing in my life and one thing I have chosen to always stand up for. I believe in love and treating people with hospitality. I will fight for kindness toward all.

Something I have sat on the fence about is the 2008 presidential election. Today is "the big day" for either Senator Obama or Senator McCain. Feel free to gasp when I say I didn't vote. I'm still in Texas and I'm a Missouri resident so I am not able to get back home in time to vote. Yes, I was registered. Unfortunately, I was just informed a couple hours ago that I could have done an absentee ballot but was unaware. Shame on me I guess but I'm not too bothered by it, whether which candidate wins. I would consider myself as independent during this campaign. An idiot could see that through the past year the media has portrayed Barack Obama as the saint our country needs. I've felt bad for the ways John McCain has been targeted. I do think Obama definitely looks and speaks the part of a president but I'm afraid his "change" might backfire into something devastating for our country. Who's to say the change will be good? He just kept promoting that our country needs a change. I don't know how much McCain would change as our president, maybe some at the beginning but would probably fade back into the way of President Bush. I'm almost in favor of seeing Obama win just to see what he would attempt with our country. There are many issues Obama agrees with that I don't because I consider myself more conservative. I've read and heard their perspectives on important issues like immigration, health care, education, same-sex marriage, gun control and abortion. It's up to Americans now. Soon enough we'll see who the people have chose as our 44th president and I'll accept it either way. It's up to us as citizens to work with him and stand up for what we believe in.

I try to read and write and watch the news as much as possible so I can expand my knowledge on anything and everything in this world. I love to learn and when I do, I put myself in the position of being able to choose what I believe is right or good. Maybe with age I'll become less indecisive, especially on important issues. For now, I'll keep to myself unless I feel passionate about a subject matter. As an American, I think two of the most crucial statements ever written for our country and what every U.S. citizen, and more importantly, the president of the United States, should abide by lists as follows:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. -1st Amendment

And...

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. -Thomas Jefferson, The Declaration of Independence

God bless our country!

2008-10-30T18:59:00.003-05:00

The Girl Who Doesn't Talk

My best friend lives in an apartment complex on the campus of the university I once attended. She lives with three other women and they each have their own room. I used to live with not only my best friend in this complex but with one of her current roommates. Every time I visit my friend I am obviously inclined to dwell with three other women as well. I think it's a neat situation actually. I've always been drawn to those of various ethnicities, and my friend's roommates derive from Asian, Trinidadian and Malagasy descent along with my best friend being half-Mexican. Their kitchen is full of food I've never seen or heard of and two of them speak to me with a heavy accent, which I'm forced to respond to with a smile and nod at times.

What makes this situation unordinary is that within the month I've lodged in their apartment on and off, I've yet to see one in particular roommate. I first found out something was "different" about this girl when I visited a year or so ago. She never comes out of her room. I have even slept on their living room couch for the past thirty days, and I would have thought to have seen her make a trip to the kitchen or bathroom at least a few times. For my friend and her other two roommates, they could seem to care less but I guess they've grown accustomed to it. Sometimes they'll just point at her door if she comes up in a conversation but other than that, they only seem to crack small jokes about the situation. I'll admit that I have asked questions any conventional mind would wonder. How does she contain her bladder for such a long period of time and is her small room filled with non-parishable food items and gallons of water like a natural disaster shelter? As far as I know, no one's seen the inside of her room; I know I haven't. She keeps the light in her room turned on twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Yes, she sleeps with her overhead light on... if she does sleep.

I have seen her before. Actually, I think the count is at two. The first time I saw her was when I was visiting my best friend awhile back. I didn't know anything about her ninja-like roommate so I thought nothing of it when I opened the front door to find the girl scurring out of a dark kitchen as I looked her in the eyes and said, "Hello." She returned the favor with a timid smile as she retreated to her sanctuary of a bedroom. I also witnessed her riding across campus on her bicycle. It's an old, multi-colored bike with a metal basket attached to the front of it. Apparently she rides it to and from her classes, which she never seems to miss. She wears glasses, baggy t-shirts and keeps her hair pulled back loosely. She has a brother who attends the same school and both my best friend and I have seen him around campus. He appears outgoing and similar to a typical college guy. At least once a week or so, allegedly, the girl's mom stops by the apartment and hangs out in her room for a day. She might restock her daughter's "shelter" with necessary items. I still have yet to hear words uttered from her lips. Not a sound can ever be heard coming from her room. I guess I'm just more amazed at catching a glimpse of her.

I write all of this because I've spent a lot of time thinking about how lonely she must get at times. Unfortunately, her personality issues may grow deeper than shyness or introverted classification on a personal survey. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she finds ultimate bliss in solitude. Is that possible for a human being? As for myself, it makes me happy that through time, God's helped me open up and become more sociable and unreserved. As I've mentioned previously, I think I'll always long for my alone time but what's a life without others present? If I had the chance to move into my best friend's apartment, I would make it a priority to get to know the girl who doesn't talk. I would definitely have to get creative in my approach but that's one ability I'm blessed with. For now, I'll assume that I'm not the stranger who's supposed to befriend her. But I hope someone will walk into her life and reveal the beauty of friendship, the joy of laughter with companions.

I think I'm going to slide a greeting card under her door before I leave town Saturday morning. I'm going to sign it anonymous; I just want to get a point across: She's important.

And that someone's said a prayer of blessings for her today.

2008-10-27T16:24:00.000-05:00

A Fight to Remember!

2008-10-25T14:51:00.012-05:00

A Wandering Nomad

There is not a cloud in the blue sky covering the college town of Abilene, Texas. The birds are chirping, leaves are blowing in the wind and the members of the community passing by on skateboards and bicycles help confirm the cliche from an opening scene of a novel. For most, today represents a perfect day.

Twenty-five days ago I flew out of St. Louis, Missouri, and landed in Dallas, Texas. My plan for the trip was no plan. My purpose for the trip was and still remains to uncover the depth of my personality, my desires and most importantly, my needs. Pretty deep stuff. I don't expect to find everything I'm looking for. However, I am discovering traits and values about myself I never recognized were a part of me. I traveled out west to Abilene intending to gain closure from the university I attended on and off for the past four years. I've remained in town and next to campus for twenty-three of the twenty-five days I've been in the Lone Star State, save the weekend trip I took to San Antonio and surrounding towns. I've slept on a myriad of couches, floors and beds. I've spent time with my best friend, boyfriend and those close to me who I consider family. I've rekindled old friendships--even if they remain long distant. I ended my relationship of almost a year with a man I have loved, and I've swallowed the fact that it's probably for the best. For the most part, I consider myself a desperado; although, there's a large part of me that longs to spend time with those I love. I guess it's only human nature. I don't mind the peace and serenity of reading a book, taking photographs or writing while I'm alone; that's when I enjoy the presence of God. My heart stirs when I walk down the sidewalk listening to music while admiring the beauty of nature. I am thankful for the ability to see God throughout my day while, unfortunately, most choose not to.

I've found that it will always remain a mystery to me as to why there is so much truth in the phrase, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I would consider myself an expert at missing those I love dearly. However, the feeling seems to fade after I've had a chance to travel and spend time with them--whether friends or family. It's not that boredom sets in or even arguments or regrets, it's just that I have reached a point in my life where I feel everyone I know and care about is living life--doing what they want to do or at least working toward it. I begin to feel the need to make comparisons to my own life and believe that I'm taking steps backward instead of forward. It's confusing seeing other people achieving their goals and dreams when I seem lost in my own. I don't know where I need to be or how I should start doing what I need to be doing. All I have come to know is that no matter how much adversity or remorse crosses my path, despite all the hurtful and saddening calamities this world tends to force upon people, the essence of life is good. I love to love. I love to listen, share and offer compassion. I love to laugh with others. And even though I might not be very good at it, there's nothing more comforting than talking about God to a friend.

I have witnessed spectacular moments of peace and marveled at the works of His hands throughout the Midwest. For the life of me, I cannot understand how someone cannot believe in God after laying out underneath thousands of millions of shimmering stars, lucky enough to catch a glimpse of those that shoot across the night sky majestically or sitting on top of a cliff that looks out over the world experiencing the wind blowing the color-changing leaves as they fall from hundreds of swaying trees so far below. Or the way the sky can not only present every color on a painter's palette at sunset but how at a certain part of the day the blue in the sky can be seen in a variety of tints and hues. Through His promise in a rainbow, a sunrise, sunset or the stillness of a far-off landscape seen through the car window--they all reassure my faith in a Creator. As I take a deep breath and release it slowly, I reflect on the beauty this world has to offer, what life has to offer. And with that, I begin to believe in beauty that can only be found within me. I am blessed to have those in my life willing to help me reveal God's goodness in me.

The cloudless, blue sky of Abilene has ceased to pink and purple as the sun falls below the horizon. The headlights of passersby vehicles light up the street outside my window. The sidewalk is lonelier as the children are now indoors. Soon enough, another day will have passed and those who believed it to have been perfect will expect nothing less from tomorrow. I only dream one of these days I'll find what I'm searching for.

2008-07-24T21:06:00.010-05:00

Kindling the Flame

Some of my readers have told me that someday I will make a fantastic writer of inspirational books. I appreciate the compliment; although, I intend to reach people through other forms of writing as well. I don't plan on limiting it to a specific theme; I don't want all of it categorized under the sign "inspirational" on a shelf in Barnes & Noble when I know I am capable of creating children's books, magazine articles, newspaper columns and maybe even screenplays of various genres. I am not saying I won't find my niche, but with writing, there's a playing field that seems almost boundless as to where I can go and what I can do. I'm ready to get out there and throw the ball around.

I will admit that influencing, provoking and touching the hearts of my readers--in other words, inspiring--is a substantial piece of my writing that continually helps unveil the talent God's granted me. However, I feel as if my ability to convey my thoughts, ideas and feelings to an audience can only be accomplished if I first am inspired. Thus, I would like to share some examples of who and what inspires me.

Movies. I am not listing what inspires me in any particular order, but if I was, movies would be close to numero uno. Like many kids, I grew up watching movies, and like most adults I enjoy the weekend trip to the theater despite the rising ticket cost; however, I feel as if I have a connection with movies that few do. I have grown to appreciate the creation of movie making, so much in fact that I feel I have a calling for screenwriting. I'm the one who will sit in the theater until the credits finish rolling. Yes, I, Jayme Smith, recieve a guilty pleasure from reading screen credits. I follow actors' and actress' roles onscreen and off. I am intrigued at how they do what they do, what makes them so good, or consequently, bad. I enjoy researching the way movies are written and directed, more so written. And I use this knowledge in comparing movies. In a sense, I relish being the movie critic. But getting back to the purpose of a movie, the actual viewing; I am riveted by dramas. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good laugh out of a comedy, scream from a thriller or warm, fuzzy feeling those chick-flicks give you, but dramas really know how to reach me, especially those based on true stories. I believe this particular genre is the most difficult to write; nevertheless, if done well, the most rewarding. Most dramas are written to relate to the audience member--to throw out there, "Hey, we all have been in the situation of feeling powerlessness. So what needs to be done to progress toward the goal or achieve a sensible solution?" I'm attracted to major issues, conflicts, etc. and then the struggle that occurs when fighting your way out in order to bring about a sense of peace, happiness or feeling of accomplishment. I mean, who's not inspired by the story of a true underdog?

Quotes. I keep this notebook on my desk. It contains my favorite sayings from those who are famous, whether he be a theologist, humanitarian, author or celebrity, as well as quotes from my teachers, friends, family and even strangers. Anyone who says something that intrigues me and sometimes makes me laugh, I will note it in my book. I believe anyone can give advice but only few give it truthfully and meaningly. In time, God endows each of us with wisdom, more so, the older we grow. Hence why the majority of my quotes are from those older than me. When I need a pick-me-up, I open that notebook and read. When a friend needs advice, sometimes I share with them a quote that was passed on to me; so once again, I open that notebook. How comforting it is to read the words of someone who has witnessed or experienced what I am currently witnessing or experiencing. And more than that, to receive the power and inspiration that if this person did it, so can I. I would like to share one with you. And although it resides as the last quote in my notebook today, I can assure you it won't be tomorrow. It was from a movie I watched this weekend:

"When I was a kid, they used to tell me that I could be anything I wanted to be, no matter what... and
maybe I am insane, I don't know, but I still believe that. Somewhere along the line we stopped believing
we could do anything. And if we don't have our dreams, we have nothing."
-The Astronaut Famer

Music. Alright, so movies and music would probably tie in a race for things that inspire me. I almost feel dead when I'm not listening to it. As I write this, I am listening to my iPod. I work out, play basketball, do the dishes, talk on the phone and almost every other activity throughout my day involves me listening to music. It's my prime motivator. I could even go as far as saying that it stirs something inside of me that not even words could reach. When I exercise, I listen to rap. When I play video games with my brother, its rock. When I clean, it's pop. When I'm relaxing, it's Sinatra or Dino. When I'm dancing, it's MJ. When I'm reading, studying or writing, it's classical. No matter the classification, it never ceases at it's purpose to inspire. Much like movies, music is another obsession of mine. I follow artists, bands, composers, song writers, etc. I enjoy learning about what makes them tick, how they create their lyrics for a song and what music means to them. Musicians are passionate people. They work to reach people's soul. I'm attracted to a good beat of a rap song. I'm fascinated by the lyrics of a well-written ballad. My emotions are stirred listening to an exquisite, pure voice. Put on a record, I'll close my eyes, throw up my feet, lean back and let the music take me away to a magical place where only it can.

Teachers. Leave it to a teacher to reinstate faith into your life when it seems as if the rest of the world has given up on you. Sometimes I would only get by after one of my teachers had come up to me before or after class to encourage me. I have been extremely blessed to have had the privilege to learn from some of the most intelligent, compassionate instructors throughout my schooling. From kindergarden to college, I am appreciative of each one who has not only taught me book smarts but unforgettable life lessons. Like many people, but in my opinion not enough, I feel as if this profession is underpaid and overlooked. Whatever occupation an individual holds today is because he was first granted experience, knowledge and wisdom days prior by a teacher. Teachers deserve more respect. They want students to excel at becoming the best they can become. I personally think the good teachers are hardest on those students they feel don't believe in themselves. Professors understand the power of an education and even more so, the ability to equip others with that power. They take it seriously. I will admit that with time, I might forget facts I have learned from books, Powerpoints and lectures; however, I will always remember the moments certain teachers took to tell me I am talented, intelligent and determined. One of the reasons I still write is because my English and journalism teachers have told me I can write and I do it very well. And I thank them for their encouragement and inspiration, and I am proud to call them friends. Leave it to a teacher to tell you that you can do anything.

Criticism. It comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. It can come from your enemies or even from the ones you love. Some say it because they don't believe in you but some say it because they do. Ergo, constructive criticism; I take it and learn from it. The ones who critique you out of love usually want what's best for you. Criticism can be a slap in the face but like they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have been the receiver of negative comments, remarks and actions but I choose to take them, twist them around and tell myself that I can either let it hold me back or motivate me to try harder. I've realized that I will never earn acceptance from everyone in this world, but that doesn't have to stop me from being myself. Sometimes it hurts when those you have trusted and put faith in let you down by telling you that you can't do this or that. No one has the right to tell you what you can't accomplish. I say that criticism inspires me because I view it as a double-edge sword. Most of the time it will cut you and sometimes deeply, but you have the choice to turn the humility, judgment and discrimination around transforming it into determination, which can lead you down the path to success. So the next time criticism is shot my way, I know how I'll be handling it.

Friends. At 22, I've learned that sadly, they will come and they will go. I believe God puts certain friends in my life at certain times for certain reasons. Without them, I don't know who I would be today. In my life, I have depended more on them than family. Heck, I have considered my friends family. Those resembling my guardian angels are those I consider my best. My best friends know all of my flaws and still love me for who I am. I have always had a tendency to flock toward those who are labeled misfits, underdogs and ragamuffins. And I have never been more proud to call them my friends, because I am a work in progress myself. No matter how bad I screw up or how long it's been since I've contacted one of them, they still talk to me and find encouraging ways to display their love for me. My friends believe in me when I say I want to become a writer. My friends support me when others have denied me. They help me laugh when it'd be easier to cry. They listen when I ramble about absolutely nothing because they know I'm confused and worried. Most of all, they just want what's best for me and they do everything possible to help me achieve it. They walk in when others walk out. They pull me off my sorry butt when I've lost hope and stand me back up on my two feet revealing to me opportunites I still have a shot at. They're generous, caring and kind. Each of their stories inspire my own life every day and I will continually look to them for guidance, advice, a shoulder to lean on and laughter. God loves them and so do I, very much.

The dictionary describes the word inspire as follows:

"To fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence; to produce or arouse; to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc."

The previous examples I explained of what inspire me represent this definition to its fullest. Without inspiration in my life it would make it close to impossible for me to live. The weight of my difficulties in life are lightened through the objects, people and ideas listed above. I thank God for giving me these sources of inspiration and I pray they continue to fill me with an animating, quickening and exalting influence. I can only wish for my readers that their inspirations conjure the same feelings of belief, awe and motivation mine reach inside of me.

When you work only for yourself, or for your own personal gain, your mind will seldom rise above the limitations of an undeveloped personal life. But when you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break your bonds: your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be. -Patanjali, 2nd century B.C.

2008-07-02T16:50:00.002-05:00

The Spirit of a Child, Innocence

2008-06-27T08:07:00.003-05:00

It Makes me Laugh

the TV series, The Office

David Letterman

YouTube videos

George W. Bush

old ladies dancing

people interviewed on the game show, Street Smarts

Steve Carell

"Yo Mamma" jokes

my best friend

babies running around naked

funnysign.com

Calvin and Hobbes

wannabe gangsters

Christopher Walken

the Marx Brothers

snoring animals

Frank and Marie Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond

a drunk person dancing

German accents

Paris Hilton acting

Adam Sandler

my little brother

someone with the wrong number calls speaking in a foreign language

Jay Leno's Jaywalking

SNL

the TV series, Samurai Jack

mascots fighting

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Richard Simmons

2008-06-25T03:00:00.022-05:00

Abuse... and a New Beginning

It's the word I've chosen to describe the way I have treated my God-given talent in the former year: abuse. I stopped writing. I stopped doing it for fun, I stopped doing it to expand my creativity, I stopped doing it for you and I stopped doing it for God. And I'm sorry. I will tell you that I was greedy with my writing in the past; I wrote for self-gratification. I have since realized that the joy received from putting pen to pad or fingers to keyboard is received because of you, the reader. Even if I only reach one person with my words, I have achieved my purpose. I write to inspire, to help, to make you think, wonder and maybe even laugh. I write because when I do, I know God is near; not only near but smiling. He gave me this gift and I am ashamed that I haven't been putting it into practice. God's given me the intelligence to know that words are sacred; they are to be treated with respect. I know that I can find a balance between the privilege God's granted me, to write according to His Will, and my right to free speech as a citizen of the United States. That is why I feel comfortable writing freely. I am blessed to know that nothing is more powerful than words and our Lord. After all, how did He choose to convey His purpose for us? Through the Word. That is why you will continually see the two coincide on this Web page. And I can tell you this much, if I have touched you through any of my writing, it is only because of Him. I am a mere vessel he has choosen to work with and through.

You know that feeling you get when your favorite song comes on the radio or your iPod randomly? An unexpected excitement; and not only that but this feeling in your soul that you can do anything, be anyone... That's what I feel when I write. Writing to me is like making music to a musician: To passionately create something for others that is original and stimulating. I want my written thoughts, feelings and opinions to move the reader as music moves the listener. A musician uses notes, while the author, words. Those who are talented enough can stir emotion and even produce change in an audience. That is my aim.

Many things have kept me from writing--excuses mainly. I know I have let several of my readers down because of this, if not lost them completely. However, I'll do whatever it takes to keep sharing my view of the world with you through these desperate words of mine. If you are passionate about something in life, go do it. Don't let petty excuses hold you back like they did me. Trust me, when you're doing something you love, you produce a certain glow that everyone witnesses.

Thank you for reading; you're the reason I do this. It's funny, I thought I had lost myself but when I finally sat back down to write, I realized I was never lost, just a little misguided. Now that I'm writing, I've found my path again. This is me. I know who I am when I write.

And I am back.

Paul Simon - You can call me Al

2008-03-12T17:43:00.005-05:00

BLAST FROM THE PAST!

This is quite possibly the best music video ever created. Paul Simon and Chevy Chase make a comical pair!

Great Divide

2008-03-02T22:11:00.001-06:00

You can help conquer the Great Divide.

2008-02-29T19:17:00.009-06:00

"Last Lecture"

Friday, July 25, 2008

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080725/ap_en_ot/obit_pausch

2008-02-21T10:11:00.002-06:00

Let it go [Kirk Franklin]

My momma gave me up when I was four years old
She didn’t destroy my body but she killed my soul
Now it’s cold ‘cause I’m sleeping in my back seat
I understand the spirit’s willing but my flesh is weak

Let him speak, let me speak

I never had a chance to dream
Ten years old and finding love in dirty magazines
Ms. December you remember I bought you twice
Now I’m thirty plus and still paying the price
Had a sister that I barely knew
Kind of got separated by the age of two
Same momma different daddy so we couldn’t fake it
I saw my sister’s daddy beat her in the tub naked
Take it serious the demons in a man’s mind
The same man on rape charges now he’s doing time
Crack followed and like daddy prison thirteen years
Haven’t seen her, I guess she’s traded tears for fears

Chorus
Shout, Shout, let it all out
These are the things I can do without
so come on Come on I’m talking to you,
so come on

Sex was how I made it through
Without someone to teach you love what else is there to do?
See where I’m from they call you gay
Say you ain’t a man, show them you ain’t no punk
Get all the girls you can,
a simple plan that still haunts me even now today
Back to seventeen and got a baby on the way
No GED all I see is failure in my eyes,
if you’re listening and remember I apologize
I was raised falling in the church
Made mistakes and heard the Lord’s calling in the church
After service in the parking lot getting high
Wanted to be accepted so bad I was willing to die
Even tried to tell the Pastor, but he couldn’t see
years of low self-esteem and insecurities
Church taught me how to shout and how to speak in tongues
But preacher, teach me how to live now when the tongue is done,
help me

Chorus Bridge

See I, See I,(street surviver, soul surviver, we world survivers)
I just wanna let it go, (street surviver, soul surviver, we world survivers)
I just wanna let it go, (street surviver, soul surviver, we world survivers)
I just wanna let it go (street surviver, soul surviver, we world survivers, life is life)

Jesus please, on my knees can’t You hear my crying
You said to put it in Your hands and Lord I’m really trying
You wasn’t lying when You said You reap what you sow
Like that night momma died, it’s hard to let it go
You adopted me, cared for me, changed my name
But I cursed at you, lied to you and left you pain
It’s not strange I can still see it in my head
To know for hours you were lying there in that bed
If you’re listening to this record If it’s day or night
If your momma is still living treat your momma right
Don’t be like me and let that moment slip away
And be careful ‘cause you can’t take back what you say
To my real momma if you’re listening I’m letting it go
To my father, I forgive you, ‘cause you didn’t know
that the pain was preparation for my destiny
And one more thing Lord let my son be a better man than me

Chorus

2007-11-19T10:45:00.000-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Wear Sunscreen
Baz Luhrmann

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

2006-12-15T16:07:00.000-06:00

Office Supplies and Phalanges

So a couple days ago, my best friend and I were in the library. We were sitting side by side at a desk using the computers. I walked back to the printer to pick up some material I printed off and strolled back to my seat. Even though my friend was concentrating very hard on her assignment, I jokingly asked if she had a stapler on her I could use to bind my stack of papers together. She laughed, followed by my own and I bent over to put my papers into my backpack. When I sat back up, I noticed that she actually had a black stapler in her hand.

I just sat there staring at her.

Looks like I chose the right friends after all, I thought. So, as I'm trying to get over the fact that this girl who never carries more than a pencil on her, if that, is handing me a stapler she pulled out of her backpack, she mumbles something to me. I'm not the greatest with small talk while in the middle of important tasks, such as that of stapling a much needed packet of papers, so I didn't quite pick up on what she was saying. What she said however, was to use it wisely because there were only two staples left. Well, as I'm ignoring her I did notice that the top part of her stapler was open--you know, the part that opens to install more of those little staples when you run out. So, as I've done numerous times before, I used my left index finger and thumb to close it.

Now, what I am going to write next might read a bit strangely, but it's the truth. It's almost as if time stopped. I saw a bright light and nothing else. Much to my idiotic surprise, I look down to see a stapler hanging from my thumb. One's instinct of course would have been to scream and pull the piece of office supply off of one's finger. No, not I, my friends, not I. I sat there staring at it. It almost seemed like a cartoon to be honest--like I should be wearing big, white gloves and my thumb would be bright red and the size of my head. I finally came to my senses--the extreme amount of pain bringing me to that conclusion of course--and I react by chucking the stapler across the room. Next, I looked over at "the right friend I had so wisely chose" who is crying tears of laughter. I mean this girl has her hands covering her face, hovered over, breathing extremely hard. In my three years of knowing her at college, I have never, ever seen her laugh as hysterically as she was, and trust me when I say we are laughaholics. As much as it pained me to see this fool laughing at my stupidity, my thumb was hurting even more. I looked back down at it and it's entirely covered in blood. Oh, and lets not forget the silver staple that's still pushed deeply into my fifth phalange.

With this incident still seeming like a dream, I take my right hand and pull the staple out of my left thumb. Let me tell you, it was in there pretty good. After that, I tossed the culprit onto the table, bloody and all. It suddenly hit me like a slap in the face that just like removing an arrow from your heart, pulling the staple out would only lead to that much more pain and blood. I looked down at my wounded soldier of a thumb. Blood. I looked back over at my roommate, who I am hoping you've realized is also my best friend. I finally decided to yelp. Oh, I let it out like you never would have imagined. No, not really. After all, I was in a library. I was just mad at my bud for laughing while I was experiencing a near-death moment. I finally got her to take me to the bathroom where I wrapped brown paper towels around my close-to-needing-an-amputation thumb, followed by a good, long wrapping of Scotch tape. So I guess there are a few pros to some office supplies...

Of course while I was bandaging myself up, my good 'ole pal called her mom to tell her the news. "Jayme was attacked by office supplies." She then smugly looks over at me and mouths the words... "You have one staple left; use it wisely."

I hope that I've taught my readers a valuable lesson through this entry. Be careful out there kids.

2006-12-05T00:27:00.000-06:00

Stuck in a Moment that You Can't Get Out of

Sometimes we push people out of our lives when we need them the most.

Right now I'm sitting at my computer desk, both knees pushed up against the edge aching, one hand on the sweaty keyboard from my hours of typing while the other shoves a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my mouth. I'm just sitting here thinking and listening to some music; that's all.

I have literally never had as much to do as I do at this very moment. The thing is, which my roommate so kindly pointed out to me three hours ago, I only have a week and a half to get everything accomplished. What a kick in the pants. That's not even the scariest part.

I can't do it all by myself.

I heard this really awesome quote the other day on television; and who says television can't teach you anything? It went a little something like this, "You can't just sit around waiting for the motivation to do something. Sometimes you have to do something in order to get motivated." I sit around too much waiting for that little bit of motivation. And you know what? Sometimes it never comes. I wish I was disciplined enough to actually do something. I know I will get motivated once I begin a task however small it may be.

I'm behind. I'm behind on more than I've ever been behind on. I'm stubborn. I'm too stubborn to ask for help and that's what will eventually leave me desperate and stuck in a rut. Maybe one day the shackles that so many call pride will release itself from my heart. Although, I fear with time their grasp will only grow tighter.

My friends--the ones I love--they deal with life as I do. Most of them will come to me with their struggles. One of them reminds me so much of myself that I'm scared to even write about it. I think I can honestly say that she might be the only human being whose stubborness out runs mine. Trust me, it makes for a hard-headed friendship every once in a while--love her to death though. I'm being a hypocrite right now. I want her to talk to me about her personal struggle. She won't. The thing is, I won't tell her or any other one of my close friends about my conflicting situation. My friends deal with eating disorders, self-esteem issues, pregnancy, frustrating engagements, family deaths and other hardballs that life throws our way. I have been honored to know some of the strongest young women and men of our time. I am extremely proud to call them my friends.

Unfortunately, it can get pretty lonely when I don't reveal myself completely. It's like you can become this totally fake person with a fake image in able to hide your reality from not only the world but your friends and family. You know... the ones who make you feel like you're worth more than anything the world could ever give you. When you shut these particular people out, the ones who care, it gets lonely. You start running in the opposite direction toward an artificial happiness. You then reach this point where you once thought you'd find joy and peace, only to discover a sense of uneasy solitude and disappointment. You start to wonder if there's even a slight possibility that the ones you ran from will accept you back.

You're stuck in a moment that you can't get out of.

You don't want to continue down the path of isolation, but you don't want to let down your pride and return home. I've pushed a lot of people out of my life recently. I want to fix that. I want to confront my problem with pride.

So I'm falling to my knees, bowing my head and saying a prayer.

Because even though sometimes I push people out of my life, I won't push God out.

2006-11-21T05:59:00.000-06:00

The definition of Thanksgiving is giving thanks--go figure.

This Thursday of giving thanks and eating sweet potatoes, I am grateful for...

My God, Savior, Pa and Ma, the siblings, my uncles and aunts and cousins. My gracious, compassionate, loyal friends. My dog and two cats. Homemade food. Internet access. Writing. A roof over my head. The most ridiculously comfortable bed known to man. Looking pretty. Clothes on my back (and front). Christmas music. The hope of snow. Family fellowship. Books, lots and lots of intelligent-written literature. Christians. Teachers that listen and understand. Joy. Writing. Big, fluffy, warm towels after stepping out of the shower. The Word. Bright colors. The holiday spirit. Forgiveness. Gifts. Prayers. Singing and dancing. White, ankle socks. My best friend/roommate's pumpkin pie. Gentleness. Foreign friends. Road trips. Photography. Randomness with Olivia. Writing. Knitted sweaters. Fast food. Snorting while laughing. Honest people full of the Truth. Olive Garden. AOL instant messenger. Music. Every movie ever made. Extremely awesome television series. Kind strangers. Dreaming. My fairy-god-son, "nephew" Jassir. Good health. Animals. Playing sports. St. Louis Cardinals World Series Champions. Writing. Bicycling. Second, third and forth chances. The Gospel. Hot cocoa. Blogging. Thunderstorms. Loads of fatty food that only Thanksgiving can bring. Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin's voices. Inspiring, well-written movies. Second cousins. Computers. Thought-provoking quotes. Sunrises. Chinese food and people. Batman. Weddings. Happiness. E-mails from old friends. Late night drives. Late night talks. Breakfast. Teddy bears. Perfume. American Eagle, Old Navy and JC Pennys. Traveling. Angels. My apartment and roommates. Ice skating with "no one in particular". Acceptance. Freedom. Friends I consider family. Going home. Athletes. St. Louis, MO. Johnny Depp. People who aren't afraid to be themselves. Respect. Facebook and Myspace. Video games with the 'lil bro. Max Lucado. Harry Potter. Authors. Janitors and mechanics. Libraries. Fine lookin' guys. Writing. Pictures of the beach. Perseverance. Chick flicks. Love, Love, Love! Wisdom. Holidays of great and small. People who have changed the world. And last, but most definitely not least, my faithful readers.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! Give thanks!

2006-11-20T14:43:00.000-06:00

Always a Day Late and a Dollar Short

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get ahead. Not even ahead, but caught up. For as long as I can remember, I've felt as if I'm behind. Behind on everything. I'm always feeling like I still need to get something done. This isn't a comforting feeling to say the least. Feeling behind on the majority in life--class work, family life, connections with friends, work, fitness, hobbies, etc. It definitely makes it hard to find any relaxing time.

I'm naturally a "late" person. It's not a great quality to possess, let me warn you. I wish I could say it was inherited. I believe it to be something I've picked up in the past few years; something I wish I could shake just as easily as I've grown accustomed to it. I'm in the process of making "five minutes early" my new slogan.

Being poor doesn't bother me anymore. Oh, it used to. It used to bother me so much that I would try to make white, feathers fly out of my pillow from punching it so harshly. There's just a period in which one has to come to terms with what was and is. I grew up poor like three-fourths of the world still does today. I've accepted being broke through hope. I know what was and what is. However, my hope reveals to me that I can and will make a good living in the future for myself. I'm grateful that I grew up without wads of green paper stuffed in my family members' wallets and pockets. I've grown to realize that I wouldn't appreciate the blessing money can bring to me in the future if I grew up spoiled. Not having money humbles you. It humbles you a lot in today's society. When I make my first paycheck after receiving my first job in the "writing business," I will feel the blessing of money that God intended because I will have earned it. I will not take money for granted because I will have known what it was like to not have it for much of my life.

If you know me, you know that I always tell the ones I care about that he or she can always count on me for anything needed. I've got to be honest and say that it makes it hard to lend a helping hand when I'm always behind on life's chores and not owning a fat wallet. It just makes things a little harder when I know I could be helping a friend clean their house, study for a test or lending 10 bucks for much needed gas money. The thing is, right now, I am in control and have the ability to change my time managing skills. I need to organize and schedule my time in a more positive and effective way. As of currently, I am not in the state of giving out the dollars. Oh, I do occasionally, but unfortunately, it's usually me who ends up borrowing the cash. If you're not a stubborn, hard-headed being, you have absolutely no idea how difficult it can be to borrow money. Sometimes you just have to release the pride barrier.

The thing is, I don't want to always be the late one or the one who comes up a few bucks short. I'll admit that I grew up in a family whose tendencies were quite similar to this. I have sadly remained faithful to this entry's cliche title. These are traits I'm working toward changing through the aid of God. I know they won't change drastically in the next couple days, but overtime, I'll become a more reliable person. I'm looking forward to it.

2006-11-08T03:58:00.000-06:00

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
--Romans 8:38, 39

He Ain't the Leavin' Kind
[Rascal Flatts]

they tried their best to drag Him out
of a courthouse down in montgomery
now they want to kick Him out of school
and take Him off our money
they can take those words off of paper and stone
but He aint gone, no

He ain't the leavin' kind
He'd never walk away
even from those who dont believe
and wanna leave Him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind

she stayed mad at Him for a lot of years
for taking her husband
started losing her faith and thinking that
her life meant nothin
but when she looks at those kids
she raised all by herself
she knows she had some help
yeah she knows

He ain't the leavin' kind
He'd never walk away
even from those who don't believe
and wanna leave Him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind

no matter what you do
no matter where you go He's
always right there
with you

even from those who don't believe
and wanna leave Him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind

2006-10-24T10:13:00.000-05:00

I Used to Think I had it Bad Because I had No Shoes; Then I Met a Man With No Feet.

Let's be honest, my life is no "walk in the park" currently... or ever, for that matter.

My best friends are taking their leave in my life--slowly, but surely. Sometimes I wish it would all just happen in a flash so I wouldn't have to patiently sit through the agony of watching transcripts and visas getting processed and placed in my friends' hands. Sadly, with each day that passes, I know I'm one minute closer to saying goodbye--to what could be forever--to the ones I respect the most.

College. I'm on the first semester of my third year. My final year? Not if I can help it. My last semester at Abilene Christian University? Quite possibly. Having say in my probable departing? No. Owning actions that will lead to disappointing consequences? Yes. Selling myself short of my best? Without a doubt. I've been consumed by my past. I'm living only in the present. I have come to terms with my denial of the future; it frightens me.

I can't stand my family. Who can? I love them, sure. I think everyone loves their family, no matter how much they deny it. I can't live with them. I can't control my attitude for longer than an hour when I'm around them. This isn't true in all cases but they usually bring out my worst--ha--at least in public. What is it about our past childhoods that haunt us through the rest of our lives? The thoughts that provoke us to do something, or not, because of what we were taught by our parents. The way we feel joy or shame because we did it "just like our sister or brother." Black sheep. You know, I bet Rosa Parks was the black sheep of her family (and I'm not trying to be racist here). She's bold. Downcasted upon. Forget skin color. I feel like Ms. Parks sometimes. I've lost count of the times my kin's told me to "sit in the back of the bus".

Healthy as a horse. Well, I used to be. As a matter of fact, 17 out of my 20 years my health has been that of a horse's. Why did illness just hit me like a bully searching for milk money? Can't explain it. "Get well soon" and I usually do, thank you. It's no later than two weeks before I'm back in bed or the doc's office. Go down the list of medical terms and I've reached the point of "T's." Tendinitis--in the left foot that is. Optimistic outlook? I'm more than half way through the alphabet. After "Z's" I'll either be immune to every sickness on the face of the planet or dead. Only time will tell.

My passion is writing. I mention this with every word I type. Unfortunately, I haven't typed in quite awhile. It could be that I'm losing my touch--no pun intended.

And God? Well, we have our ups and downs. Lately, of course, it's been numerous downs. I'll have to admit that it's hard being on my knees all of the time. Miracles. Oh, I know I've witnessed them. As a matter of fact, a couple weekends ago He turned my life around. I still doubt. I'm human though. I sin. He answers, though I still doubt for a successful outcome the next time. He reveals His awesome glory and I praise Him, but I still question whether He can defy all odds again and again. I question. I doubt. I believe. I fathom.

I'm looking up from the bottom of a deep, dark pit right now. But I hear voices coming from the opening at the top. I will soon see a rope drop down to my reach. And I will grab the rope, and I will climb. I will eventually be helped out of my pit. And when I reach the top of the pit and glance down, I will see those who are still stuck at the bottom. The cold, muddy bottom. The ones who might not hear the voices from above searching to help the helpless. The ones whose pit opening is clouded with dismay and no glimpse of hope. The ones who can't see or grasp a rope.

Even though I can't see myself taking a "stroll through the park" anytime soon, at least I can grasp my own rope of hope.

2006-10-15T04:57:00.000-05:00

My City of Ruins

There's a blood red circle
On the cold dark ground
And the rain is falling down
The church doors blown open
I can hear the organ's song
But the congregation's gone

My city of ruins
My city of ruins

Now the sweet veils of mercy
Drift through the evening trees
Young men on the corner
Like scattered leaves
The boarded up windows
The empty streets
While my brother's down on his knees

My city of ruins
My city of ruins
Come on rise up!
Come on rise up!

Now there's tears on the pillow
Darling where we slept
And you took my heart when you left
Without your sweet kiss
My soul is lost, my friend
Now tell me how do I begin again?

My city's in ruins
My city's in ruins

Now with these hands
I pray lord
With these hands
For the strength lord
With these hands
For the faith lord
With these hands
I pray lord
With these hands
For the strength lord
With these hands
For the faith lord
With these hands

Come on rise up!
Come on rise up!
Rise up

--Bruce Springsteen

2006-10-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

In The Beginning...

My writing has entered its next stage. The stage of passion. I'm turning the page and starting a new chapter. Beginning to write was beginning to accept my calling. I've acknowledged my Father's will and have chosen to lead the narrow, less-traveled path. With that decision alone, I've already begun to recognize the tribulations I'll face.

But I've come to terms with the truth. Jesus perservered and faced trials like I am constantly facing and have yet to come across. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." HEBREWS 11:1 I am constantly practicing faith. It's tested by Satan too many times. One of the greatest answers God has given me is the answer to my purpose in life. Some people go through life questioning their purpose daily. I'm blessed to have listened to God's call for me. You know anyone that doesn't know the Lord? Well, give me their e-mail address and I'll write them. This is how I share Christ with others.

I mean, after all, God chose one way to communicate to His children throughout the rest of time... the Word... the written Word. You might like reading J. K. Rowling, Stephen King, J. R. R. Tolkien or Nicholas Sparks, but when I want to read real literature, I opt for authors like Job, Paul and John. Oh, and you might get caught up reading Edgar Allan Poe, Emily Dickinson or even Shakespeare over a cup of Starbucks, but have you attempted to turn to the sweet melody of King David's psalms? How about Solomon's proverbs? Or is it easier to purchase one of those "Idiot Guides" or "For Dummies" books to find your words of wisdom?

Oh, how I would give my right leg to hold a conversation with one of the Bible's authors. They have and continue to inspire my writing every time I read and reread their sentences, word by word. And to try and comprehend God working through their "pen." You know how I know that my calling is writing? When I sit down to write, so does my Father. When I sit down to write, Paul sits down right next to me. John is on the other side. I feel God working through my fingers.

He is in every word.