A Wandering Nomad

There is not a cloud in the blue sky covering the college town of Abilene, Texas. The birds are chirping, leaves are blowing in the wind and the members of the community passing by on skateboards and bicycles help confirm the cliche from an opening scene of a novel. For most, today represents a perfect day.

Twenty-five days ago I flew out of St. Louis, Missouri, and landed in Dallas, Texas. My plan for the trip was no plan. My purpose for the trip was and still remains to uncover the depth of my personality, my desires and most importantly, my needs. Pretty deep stuff. I don't expect to find everything I'm looking for. However, I am discovering traits and values about myself I never recognized were a part of me. I traveled out west to Abilene intending to gain closure from the university I attended on and off for the past four years. I've remained in town and next to campus for twenty-three of the twenty-five days I've been in the Lone Star State, save the weekend trip I took to San Antonio and surrounding towns. I've slept on a myriad of couches, floors and beds. I've spent time with my best friend, boyfriend and those close to me who I consider family. I've rekindled old friendships--even if they remain long distant. I ended my relationship of almost a year with a man I have loved, and I've swallowed the fact that it's probably for the best. For the most part, I consider myself a desperado; although, there's a large part of me that longs to spend time with those I love. I guess it's only human nature. I don't mind the peace and serenity of reading a book, taking photographs or writing while I'm alone; that's when I enjoy the presence of God. My heart stirs when I walk down the sidewalk listening to music while admiring the beauty of nature. I am thankful for the ability to see God throughout my day while, unfortunately, most choose not to.

I've found that it will always remain a mystery to me as to why there is so much truth in the phrase, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I would consider myself an expert at missing those I love dearly. However, the feeling seems to fade after I've had a chance to travel and spend time with them--whether friends or family. It's not that boredom sets in or even arguments or regrets, it's just that I have reached a point in my life where I feel everyone I know and care about is living life--doing what they want to do or at least working toward it. I begin to feel the need to make comparisons to my own life and believe that I'm taking steps backward instead of forward. It's confusing seeing other people achieving their goals and dreams when I seem lost in my own. I don't know where I need to be or how I should start doing what I need to be doing. All I have come to know is that no matter how much adversity or remorse crosses my path, despite all the hurtful and saddening calamities this world tends to force upon people, the essence of life is good. I love to love. I love to listen, share and offer compassion. I love to laugh with others. And even though I might not be very good at it, there's nothing more comforting than talking about God to a friend.

I have witnessed spectacular moments of peace and marveled at the works of His hands throughout the Midwest. For the life of me, I cannot understand how someone cannot believe in God after laying out underneath thousands of millions of shimmering stars, lucky enough to catch a glimpse of those that shoot across the night sky majestically or sitting on top of a cliff that looks out over the world experiencing the wind blowing the color-changing leaves as they fall from hundreds of swaying trees so far below. Or the way the sky can not only present every color on a painter's palette at sunset but how at a certain part of the day the blue in the sky can be seen in a variety of tints and hues. Through His promise in a rainbow, a sunrise, sunset or the stillness of a far-off landscape seen through the car window--they all reassure my faith in a Creator. As I take a deep breath and release it slowly, I reflect on the beauty this world has to offer, what life has to offer. And with that, I begin to believe in beauty that can only be found within me. I am blessed to have those in my life willing to help me reveal God's goodness in me.

The cloudless, blue sky of Abilene has ceased to pink and purple as the sun falls below the horizon. The headlights of passersby vehicles light up the street outside my window. The sidewalk is lonelier as the children are now indoors. Soon enough, another day will have passed and those who believed it to have been perfect will expect nothing less from tomorrow. I only dream one of these days I'll find what I'm searching for.