My thoughts, My beliefs--This is who I am

I know you're not supposed to write a letter to someone when you're upset. You're supposed to wait, take the time to calm down and rationalize and then write what you have to say with sound thoughts. I usually carry this rule over into my writing. But since I don't use this web site to aim at anyone in particular, I am free to write how ever I want about what ever I want. All I know is, my heart is aching to pour out it's feelings through my words.

I've been having a rough month. Things are taking more of a toll on me than I realize. Michael Jackon's death upset me beyond words. My fantasy baseball team's winning streak ended--plagued with injuries--and I had started to lose interest in checking it as often. I've lost three weeks straight. I vowed (half-jokingly, half-not) to dismiss reading any more of J.K. Rowling's series after her fifth book because she killed off my favorite character. A few years later, (just a week ago) I purchased the sixth book to read before the movie came out. It was a disappointment to me. She killed off a great character, which I can understand to give more of a dramatic effect, but another character I had always hoped to be good, finally went bad. It distrubed me. I have always been wrapped up in the Harry Potter series as juvenile as that may seem. J.K. Rowling is an extremely impressive writer and I am intrigued by and admire her work. I fly through page after page hanging on every word. I cannot say how many times, while reading her books, I question myself if I could ever be that good of an author someday. And there have been a few times that I've agreed that I could and it proves to show how much faith I can have in the talent God's given me. But the movie was even more disappointing to me. I guess that's how it usually goes since the books are always stuffed with detail and it's a necessity to cut and edit for the movie. Oh well.

None of that is life-changing dramatic for me. It's just disappointing. And all of that can build up, especially if you try to push it to the side to forget about it and try to move on to something else. But everything just came crashing down today. Just this year I thought I had been told the most hurtful thing anyone's ever said to me and it came from one of my best friends. Well, it was out done today. I received an e-mail from someone I have also considered a very close friend. I am intelligent enough to know that this person usually means no harm when saying things to me even if it comes off differently than what they meant. I have always been understanding about it and continued conversing with them even if I was to ask what they were really trying to say. But that barrier was broken today and I'm only proud of my so-called friend for actually being honest with me and saying what they've always wanted to say because I'm finally seeing the real them. It makes it so much easier to let them go now.

I'm going to be brutally honest. This has been one the best years of my life. I am doing things I have always dreamed of doing and I have never taken any of it for granted. I'm not wanting sympathy for what I'm about to say but growing up, my family has had their fair share of problems on a daily basis. My family has always been dirt poor. We know what it's like to go days without anything to eat but crackers and butter or beans and rice. We know how to live by only the light of a candle when we couldn't pay the electric bills or bring in kerosene heaters when the gas has been turned off in the middle of frigid, winter temperatures. We know what it's like to live six people in a house that was built for one. We know what it's like to get booted out of somewhere we're living because we can't afford the rising cost of rent. We know what it's like to have to walk or ride a bike to our destination or ask for continual rides to school or work from neighbors and friends because our only vehicle has broke down and we can't afford to fix it. We never had regular doctors and dentists appointments because we couldn't afford them. I know what it's like to have your best friends in high school start treating you differently after they've seen where you live. I know what it's like to be stereotyped as a piece of trash because of it too. We know what it's like to have to lie to our friends and tell them "I can't" when they ask us to come out with them this weekend to a movie or mini-golfing. They plead and we make up an excuse because we don't have the money to do so. This is how my siblings and I grew up but more so my younger brother and I around our jr. high and high school years. But all six of us know what it's like to be overlooked because of not having a dime to our name. But I will never be able to tell you how proud of each of them I am because I know what they're all doing now and how hard they've worked for it. I know where we've all come from and how we have always been treated, even by some of our own relatives.

Growing up, I used to blame my parents, mainly my father for us being so poor but he was and is still the hardest working man I know. He has always done everything in his power to help any of his children do whatever they wanted. I used to blame my parents and my older siblings. My younger brother and I had to put up with a lot of awful stuff because all of the family income was sent staight toward my older siblings' and mom's college fund, as they were all in school earning degrees. I didn't get to do most of the fun activities my friends would go out and do during high school because I didn't have any money to and I was too embarrassed to invite anyone over. My younger brother and I were forced to change schools. I was half-way through high school and he was about to begin jr. high. Of course, we were devastated but we undoubtedly made some amazing new friendships. I did lose a few close friends my jr. and sr. years of high school because I humbly introduced them in to how poor I was. That's something I don't think I'll ever forget. I never dated throughout high school either because of this. But truth be told, I'm OK with it now because money is not what makes or breaks me. It hurts to look back and see everything my family's had to endure and continues to endure, but I would not have had any other family, no matter how rich they could have been. My parents have raised my siblings and I extremely well and it leaves me speechless when I have friends tell me how special I truly am and when I hear others speaking that way of my siblings. God has blessed my family incredibly. We have never had money but we are extremely compassionate toward others and would give the shirt off our backs to anyone. We all made top grades and honors, we've all been blessed athletically, we have good health and faith in our awesome Creator.

I have dealt with some excruciating heartache throughout my college years for the past four years or so. It's taken me that long to complete only two years of my degree. I have experienced things that have broke me down to the point of not wanting to live on. I have met some astoundingly amazing people through those years but also some who I thought I could trust, who instead, left deep scars on my heart. I was taught more in those years than I imagine I'll ever learn the rest of my life. I'm not speaking of book statistics and grammatical structure, which I have learned, but instructions on how to go about living life--making it worth something. Some of the advice shared with me I use daily and other advice I have chose not to heed because not all is worth remembering. I left my university for good because I had been hurt worse than ever before by certain members of faculty and staff I had come to trust over many years. Despite their efforts of thinking they knew what was best for me, they truly just gave up on me, no matter how they decided to word it professionally. This was quite possibly the biggest blow of my life. I chose to stop forcing my schooling after that. In the beginning, I had accepted the university to be the school of my choice because it was family tradition. It grew on me and I learned to love it. I am not knocking the university by any means because I met a few great friends there and made memories that I'll always keep close but it was time I left the school behind. And after a few more visits, the town as well. I was starting to find more hypoctrites than helping hands.

This background information is pertinent to what I need to say about my present situtation.

I have been traveling for the past couple years. At the beginning of 2009, I made a few promises to myself. I wanted to start living for me and not everyone else. It's difficult at times because I want to make my parents proud and I know they want to see me go as far as possible educationally. I know this. But it's becoming easier at times because I'm not trying to make my friends happy all the time. I'm not living for them. I'm not doing everything in my power to help them or make them happy anymore. I'm focusing on me. Of course, some of my friendships are changing--mostly because we're all separated. And I am indeed sad of lack of communication. But I'm also getting a glimpse at who truly cares for me and wants to see me happy. Those who will always accept me and love me. The results are surprising.

I have been able to make a living but still get out and do anything I want to try. I have changed my outlook on life. I am open to more things and willing to listen to everyone's perspective even if I choose to agree to disagree. I am meeting a plethora of new faces and I've learned that the people you surround yourself with are who help make you. So I'm surrounding myself with people who build me up and truly want what's best for me. Not those who are pretenders and want to use me or who are secretly envious. I am getting to see things I never thought I'd get the chance to see. I am experiencing things I never thought I'd have the opportunity to be a part of. I am learning who I am, who I'm not and what I want to be. It's life-changing. I'm being more honest, I'm working on bettering myself and fixing my faults. I am excited and blessed to be living in a gorgeous house with teriffic roommates. I'm trying new things to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm glad that I'm getting this chance while I'm still young. The truth is, I've discovered that I don't know exactly which approach to take if I got back into school right now. I love writing but I don't know the exact career path I want for it. I am falling in love with other things as well that I never knew I had a knack at, like photography and even exercise health. I have all these ideas and I'm going to test them out and talk to different schools and programs to see what I truly want for myself. But as I'm doing this--experiencing life--I'm very happy. I'm very healthy. I'm in the best shape of my life. God is taking extremely good care of me. I am looking forward to discovering what my future has to offer and which routes will present themselves. I'm eager to see my next step.

I realized that no matter what I do, it's about my outlook on it. When I wake up, it's my choice to be happy that day or not, even if it's full of negative occurences. It's how I choose to react to it all. I know my parents and probably even my siblings, and maybe a few friends will worry about whether or not I finish all my schooling and start a good career so I can get married and have a family but here's the thing...

I have always felt different. I have always felt like I was supposed to do something great. I don't think I'll ever rid that feeling from me. And I don't want to. I was put here for a reason and I believe it to be extremely important. I have more than enough people pressuring me into what I need to be doing with my life but I finally felt at ease when my mom was the first to understand something about me. I do things my way, even if it's the hard way. That's how I learn. No matter what people tell me to do or how I should live, it might upset me but I will always do what I think is best for me. Yes, I'm stubborn. I'll make my mistakes but I'll also start a path of my own instead of following in the footsteps of others and I think that is how greatness is made. I choose to think differently and try everything I can, even if it puts me two steps backward, but I'll keep on keeping on. I am a very determined and dedicated individual. Passionate.

The e-mail I opened today from my so-called friend was hurtful. I could feel envy and jealousy in it. The cover up was them wanting me to succeed and get back into school, which I know they would like for me to do, but it was written and gone about in a discouraging and diminishing way. They told me that every one has a dead-end job and you learn to deal with it. I do not believe this. If you work hard enough throughout school and go on to further your education, you have the choice of being anything you want and working for anyone you want if you push yourself. As I've mentioned, my family was beyond poor and we all got our chance at college. Anyone can do it. It's just your choice. I do not look down on people who work at places making minimum wage if they are working for a better future. I am only disappointed when they feel like that's the job they deserve and they choose to work there because they're afraid of saving their money and making a living with the talent God's given them in an actual career. There are many people who have pushed themselves and actually wake up looking forward to go to their job. They worked to get to where they are and they are happy. It could have taken much trial and error but they discovered their niche and persevered. I will work odd jobs to save up money to pay bills and my schooling until I am offered a position I believe I am worthy of working for the rest of my life, but I will not be confined to some mediocre place because "that's what most people do."

My intelligence was continually questioned throughout the letter. Like I don't realize how much more difficult it will be to return to college as time passes. Apparently, I don't care about anything else because I'm happy now. Those were the exact words. I can't believe I have let myself get so close to someone who could say that to me.

I am happy because I am caring about so much!

That is the truth. I have never felt so connected to the human race. I am talking to strangers and making new friends and helping show others what they have to offer the world, how special every individual is. How wonderful God is for putting so much detail into everything. Me being happy now is like "being addicted to drugs or alcohol" because I've become too "content" with my life. When have I ever been "content" with my life? I don't think I've ever used that word in my vocabulary when it pertains to me. I never want to be content. I am always trying to better myself and do new things and go new places. That's just who I am. I know my life will always be full of it's ups and downs so I will never be content. I'm always going to want more out of my life and what this world has to offer. There is so much to learn. I've never been one for living a "content" lifestyle. I was told that my writing is getting too much like other peoples. That I'm becoming just a "normal person" like everyone else. What does that even mean? That I am a new Jayme now and it will take getting used to. I will always be Jayme and I will always have my beliefs and virtues. I might be traveling, trying new things and meeting new people but I will always be loving. I will always be a loyal friend. I will always help someone anyway I can and lend a listening ear. I will always be a dreamer even if I never reach them all. I will always do my best to inspire others and offer support for other's goals and ambitions. I will fight to the death for what I believe in and stand up for those I love. If this makes me too "normal," so be it.

I have not changed. My circumstances have just changed and that has always been the case in my life.

Nothing frustrates me more than when I have someone tell me that I don't care about something, even more so when I don't care about anything. I was told I don't care about my education--about getting back into school. But people will always judge others and make themselves believe what they want. My friend said they used to believe in me but now has their doubts. Have I become a druggie? Have I become an alcoholic? Oh, I've become too content with my life right now that I will never go on to reach out for my dreams and work toward them. Yeah, I knew I was always that kind of person. The people who know me best know I would never sit on my butt for the rest of my life doing nothing. That's not me. But I've been starting to understand how much this "friend" has never known the true me. I was told I'll probably be one of the people having to live with my brother or sister when I get older. This e-mail truly was inspiring and motivating. I was told I have too much talent to be sitting around doing nothing. Apparently, that's what I've been doing--nothing. Just wasting my talent. That was a low blow. They were telling me different jobs I should do... "at least do this or that." No, there's no "at least" with me. I don't want to be working at a job for the rest of my life that I'm not happy with. I can't do that. When I'm not happy, I can very easily get extremely depressed. I can't work somewhere, just to make money if I am not interested in what I'm doing. It will not last. I will fight to work places I can attribute my gifts and to the extreme I know I can accomplish. I'm not going to settle. Just as in my personal relationships. They think they're the only one left supporting and pushing me when it comes to this subject, like I was close to being a lost hope. I'm going down a path of destruction. What the...?!

The thing is, I am always writing or talking about my dreams but not what I'm doing in my life. I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm doing things and able to get out more and meet people making connections, figuring out what I want to do with my life. I won't apologize for my friend thinking I write boring e-mails now because I'm not filling them up with all my dreams and desires, but instead, what I'm actually doing for myself now. It will take time to accomplish those dreams and I am getting close to the position of finally being able to work toward them, but don't hate on my happiness for the time being. I needed this happiness because I had come so close to not wanting to experience anything else in life, it was scary. I don't need someone in my life pushing me and telling me I don't care anymore and I've become too "normal" of a person. But what hit me like a bulldozer was when I read this line:

I know you want a movie writing job but if you like writing then you better just find any job that pays well for your writing talent.

I have been told many times that a writing career will not pay much and it's better as a side project or hobby. I am not ignorant of the fact that to earn a decent sum of money, you have to have incredible writing talent. I have been in school learning about how to write and what jobs are offered to writers. I know I have a lot more to learn about writing but I am a damn good writer who could write screenplays for Hollywood films if it took me the rest of my life to finally get one accepted. The people who choose to criticize my passion or the unparalleled writing gift God's given me do not deserve to be a part of my goals, dreams and ambitions.

The thing that is most hypocritical to me is when I first met my friend, they were gung-ho about the idea of "not everyone has to go to college to succeed." I even heard their dad say it. Yes, that is the rare case some times but I will always, always value an education--and the further the better in my mind. But now, my friend says they'll be disappointed in me and upset if I give up on it. First of all, I have never, ever said or even thought about the fact of "giving up" on finshing my degree. On the contrary, I actually speak of earning a master's degree after my bachelors. My friend uses the excuse that it's wrong if I let my talent go to waste. Again, I have never once thought about neglecting my talent. I have always wanted to further it. But honestly, who is my friend to talk when I have never once said anything negative about them not going to college or even attempting to? I have always pushed them to fight for a better job because I know they are a lot more capable and even talented to do something they wouldn't have to bust their butt over day in and day out. If you want to tell me how I should be living and that I should be getting back into school because it's the right thing to do, look at yourself and take your own words into consideration.

I'm most upset because I know it's time to end another friendship. I had a feeling the day would come when I would have to end it because of the past we have had. There are not mutual feelings toward one another. It makes things awkward and the friendship too bumpy. Too much pain is caused from bitterness and jealousy. I know it will be best to move on even though it will be hard. I'm going to try to remember the good memories when I think of this friend but I'm smart enough to remember the hurtful ones if I ache to try and grow close again after time. I don't need anyone who tries to control my life.

Well, as always, I feel a lot better for writing this mess out. I know there aren't a lot of people who will read this but maybe that's for the best. And whoever took the time to, I hope you were able to relate to at least one feeling mentioned. I will try to take things day by day and learn to move on because life goes on, right? But my friends have always meant the world to me and that's why my heart is in two.