Meandering at 23

I hide my emotions very well... except when I write. That's OK with me though.

Lately, I've been so stressed out that I've been grinding my teeth harder than I ever have while I sleep at night. I cracked my molar the other night and chipped a piece off. I woke up today with a bite mark on the inside of my cheek. If I ever needed a sign that I was stressed, I would say that would be it.

I wish I didn't let people get to me the way that I do. Nothing frustrates me more than when a person tries to decieve, judge or change me. That's why I am extremely thankful for the handful of close friends I have even if they're scattered around the states. They know me. They understand me. They're patient. They listen. I received a late birthday card from my best friend who I haven't seen since last October. I can't remember the last time I had laughed out loud so much--and from only words on a card! But they are my best friend's words and I cherish every one of them. She knows me better than anyone. Today, I've had a couple of my buddies sincerely ask what they could do to help. I can't explain how much of a comfort it is to know that I have people in this world that would do anything for me. When someone tells me that seeing me happy is what makes them happy, I can't help but smile. There is nothing in my life right now that means more to me than genuine friendship.

I know I'm not the greatest friend. I know my biggest fault revolves around attendance issues but I am loyal. I would do anything for my friends. I'm 23 now and I have a feeling I'll be a wandering nomad until God reveals a plan for my life. I'm uncertain what I want so I'll continue to search until I know. I'm OK with it. The only part that gets to me at times is never feeling like I have a home. I'm always a visitor. And where I grew up? It's just my parent's place. It's disheartening to feel like you don't belong anywhere but life's like that sometimes. I know I belong to God but sadly, it doesn't feel like that's enough. (If I get struck down by lightning today, you'll know why.)

I have a big trip ahead of me. I am not a planner; I let other people plan. I've learned better. Nothing in my life has ever gone "according to plan." Change is constant and inevitable! Listening to music and writing are my only escape. When I was younger, playing basketball made the list as well. I'm hoping I'll get lucky enough to add another golden leisure to it after making this trip--sitting on a beach. I have never seen one, save from pictures online, tv, movies or magazines. I know beaches are synonymous for R and R and the majority of people swarm toward them for vacation, but I believe the magic evoked from seeing one for the first time will engrave itself upon my heart forever. All I've ever had is a desire to live on or near a beach. I've never visited one but the thought alone is incredibly peaceful, meditative and awe-inspiring. Nothing calms me more than being outdoors exploring Mother Nature's beauty. It comforts the soul.

I have a cat. She's about six or seven. She's my cat. Her name's Gracie. Truthfully, I'm more of dog person but I love this cat. She was the outcast of her litter; the only gray cat out of tabbies. She's small. She's dumb. Boy, is this cat dumb. She loves me though and she knows me. I think my traveling has been taking it's toll on her. I've been back at my parent's place for two weeks and she hasn't left my side--or lap--once. No one really likes her. She's kind of a menace at times. I still love her. My parent's have wanted to get rid of her more times than I can count. I'm going to miss her when I leave again. A pet's devotion is consoling.

Well, one good thing about living out of a suitcase is avoiding the hassle of packing before a trip! So I'm set.