Office Supplies and Phalanges

So a couple days ago, my best friend and I were in the library. We were sitting side by side at a desk using the computers. I walked back to the printer to pick up some material I printed off and strolled back to my seat. Even though my friend was concentrating very hard on her assignment, I jokingly asked if she had a stapler on her I could use to bind my stack of papers together. She laughed, followed by my own and I bent over to put my papers into my backpack. When I sat back up, I noticed that she actually had a black stapler in her hand.

I just sat there staring at her.

Looks like I chose the right friends after all, I thought. So, as I'm trying to get over the fact that this girl who never carries more than a pencil on her, if that, is handing me a stapler she pulled out of her backpack, she mumbles something to me. I'm not the greatest with small talk while in the middle of important tasks, such as that of stapling a much needed packet of papers, so I didn't quite pick up on what she was saying. What she said however, was to use it wisely because there were only two staples left. Well, as I'm ignoring her I did notice that the top part of her stapler was open--you know, the part that opens to install more of those little staples when you run out. So, as I've done numerous times before, I used my left index finger and thumb to close it.

Now, what I am going to write next might read a bit strangely, but it's the truth. It's almost as if time stopped. I saw a bright light and nothing else. Much to my idiotic surprise, I look down to see a stapler hanging from my thumb. One's instinct of course would have been to scream and pull the piece of office supply off of one's finger. No, not I, my friends, not I. I sat there staring at it. It almost seemed like a cartoon to be honest--like I should be wearing big, white gloves and my thumb would be bright red and the size of my head. I finally came to my senses--the extreme amount of pain bringing me to that conclusion of course--and I react by chucking the stapler across the room. Next, I looked over at "the right friend I had so wisely chose" who is crying tears of laughter. I mean this girl has her hands covering her face, hovered over, breathing extremely hard. In my three years of knowing her at college, I have never, ever seen her laugh as hysterically as she was, and trust me when I say we are laughaholics. As much as it pained me to see this fool laughing at my stupidity, my thumb was hurting even more. I looked back down at it and it's entirely covered in blood. Oh, and lets not forget the silver staple that's still pushed deeply into my fifth phalange.

With this incident still seeming like a dream, I take my right hand and pull the staple out of my left thumb. Let me tell you, it was in there pretty good. After that, I tossed the culprit onto the table, bloody and all. It suddenly hit me like a slap in the face that just like removing an arrow from your heart, pulling the staple out would only lead to that much more pain and blood. I looked down at my wounded soldier of a thumb. Blood. I looked back over at my roommate, who I am hoping you've realized is also my best friend. I finally decided to yelp. Oh, I let it out like you never would have imagined. No, not really. After all, I was in a library. I was just mad at my bud for laughing while I was experiencing a near-death moment. I finally got her to take me to the bathroom where I wrapped brown paper towels around my close-to-needing-an-amputation thumb, followed by a good, long wrapping of Scotch tape. So I guess there are a few pros to some office supplies...

Of course while I was bandaging myself up, my good 'ole pal called her mom to tell her the news. "Jayme was attacked by office supplies." She then smugly looks over at me and mouths the words... "You have one staple left; use it wisely."

I hope that I've taught my readers a valuable lesson through this entry. Be careful out there kids.

Stuck in a Moment that You Can't Get Out of

Sometimes we push people out of our lives when we need them the most.

Right now I'm sitting at my computer desk, both knees pushed up against the edge aching, one hand on the sweaty keyboard from my hours of typing while the other shoves a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my mouth. I'm just sitting here thinking and listening to some music; that's all.

I have literally never had as much to do as I do at this very moment. The thing is, which my roommate so kindly pointed out to me three hours ago, I only have a week and a half to get everything accomplished. What a kick in the pants. That's not even the scariest part.

I can't do it all by myself.

I heard this really awesome quote the other day on television; and who says television can't teach you anything? It went a little something like this, "You can't just sit around waiting for the motivation to do something. Sometimes you have to do something in order to get motivated." I sit around too much waiting for that little bit of motivation. And you know what? Sometimes it never comes. I wish I was disciplined enough to actually do something. I know I will get motivated once I begin a task however small it may be.

I'm behind. I'm behind on more than I've ever been behind on. I'm stubborn. I'm too stubborn to ask for help and that's what will eventually leave me desperate and stuck in a rut. Maybe one day the shackles that so many call pride will release itself from my heart. Although, I fear with time their grasp will only grow tighter.

My friends--the ones I love--they deal with life as I do. Most of them will come to me with their struggles. One of them reminds me so much of myself that I'm scared to even write about it. I think I can honestly say that she might be the only human being whose stubborness out runs mine. Trust me, it makes for a hard-headed friendship every once in a while--love her to death though. I'm being a hypocrite right now. I want her to talk to me about her personal struggle. She won't. The thing is, I won't tell her or any other one of my close friends about my conflicting situation. My friends deal with eating disorders, self-esteem issues, pregnancy, frustrating engagements, family deaths and other hardballs that life throws our way. I have been honored to know some of the strongest young women and men of our time. I am extremely proud to call them my friends.

Unfortunately, it can get pretty lonely when I don't reveal myself completely. It's like you can become this totally fake person with a fake image in able to hide your reality from not only the world but your friends and family. You know... the ones who make you feel like you're worth more than anything the world could ever give you. When you shut these particular people out, the ones who care, it gets lonely. You start running in the opposite direction toward an artificial happiness. You then reach this point where you once thought you'd find joy and peace, only to discover a sense of uneasy solitude and disappointment. You start to wonder if there's even a slight possibility that the ones you ran from will accept you back.

You're stuck in a moment that you can't get out of.

You don't want to continue down the path of isolation, but you don't want to let down your pride and return home. I've pushed a lot of people out of my life recently. I want to fix that. I want to confront my problem with pride.

So I'm falling to my knees, bowing my head and saying a prayer.

Because even though sometimes I push people out of my life, I won't push God out.