Stuck in a Moment that You Can't Get Out of

Sometimes we push people out of our lives when we need them the most.

Right now I'm sitting at my computer desk, both knees pushed up against the edge aching, one hand on the sweaty keyboard from my hours of typing while the other shoves a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my mouth. I'm just sitting here thinking and listening to some music; that's all.

I have literally never had as much to do as I do at this very moment. The thing is, which my roommate so kindly pointed out to me three hours ago, I only have a week and a half to get everything accomplished. What a kick in the pants. That's not even the scariest part.

I can't do it all by myself.

I heard this really awesome quote the other day on television; and who says television can't teach you anything? It went a little something like this, "You can't just sit around waiting for the motivation to do something. Sometimes you have to do something in order to get motivated." I sit around too much waiting for that little bit of motivation. And you know what? Sometimes it never comes. I wish I was disciplined enough to actually do something. I know I will get motivated once I begin a task however small it may be.

I'm behind. I'm behind on more than I've ever been behind on. I'm stubborn. I'm too stubborn to ask for help and that's what will eventually leave me desperate and stuck in a rut. Maybe one day the shackles that so many call pride will release itself from my heart. Although, I fear with time their grasp will only grow tighter.

My friends--the ones I love--they deal with life as I do. Most of them will come to me with their struggles. One of them reminds me so much of myself that I'm scared to even write about it. I think I can honestly say that she might be the only human being whose stubborness out runs mine. Trust me, it makes for a hard-headed friendship every once in a while--love her to death though. I'm being a hypocrite right now. I want her to talk to me about her personal struggle. She won't. The thing is, I won't tell her or any other one of my close friends about my conflicting situation. My friends deal with eating disorders, self-esteem issues, pregnancy, frustrating engagements, family deaths and other hardballs that life throws our way. I have been honored to know some of the strongest young women and men of our time. I am extremely proud to call them my friends.

Unfortunately, it can get pretty lonely when I don't reveal myself completely. It's like you can become this totally fake person with a fake image in able to hide your reality from not only the world but your friends and family. You know... the ones who make you feel like you're worth more than anything the world could ever give you. When you shut these particular people out, the ones who care, it gets lonely. You start running in the opposite direction toward an artificial happiness. You then reach this point where you once thought you'd find joy and peace, only to discover a sense of uneasy solitude and disappointment. You start to wonder if there's even a slight possibility that the ones you ran from will accept you back.

You're stuck in a moment that you can't get out of.

You don't want to continue down the path of isolation, but you don't want to let down your pride and return home. I've pushed a lot of people out of my life recently. I want to fix that. I want to confront my problem with pride.

So I'm falling to my knees, bowing my head and saying a prayer.

Because even though sometimes I push people out of my life, I won't push God out.