A Beautiful Mess

I've been a long time gone now, Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down, but I've always found my way somehow, By taking the long way, taking the long way around. -Dixie Chicks

I learn things the hard way. I always have and I always will. I've accepted it. Like the Dixie Chicks sing, I'm taking the long way around. It makes my life 99% more difficult living it this way but it's just how I'm programed. I get myself into serious situations time after time and I need to experience them until something clicks within me. I question, "Is this really me?" I guess it's a continual process of me trying to find out who I truly am. Sometimes I feel positive that I know myself but as that confirmation begins to boost my confidence, once again, I'm thrown into a downward spiral of self-questioning and doubt. I am only 22 but I can look back at my past and see what paths I could have taken to avoid mishaps, regrets and broken hearts. That's just not how it works though.

Who I am at this exact moment is equivalent to everything that's molded me from days, months, years, friendships and relationships prior. Is there such a thing as going too far down a path and not being able to find your way onto another? At times I see this part of me that I've always considered to be just that, a small part of me, not something that completely defines me. Maybe I'm just deceiving myself. We all despise ourselves at one time or another. We let ourselves down. If we're smart we learn from it, forgive ourselves and move on. What if I'm stuck on a path that is really the future route for my life and I just don't realize it? That scares me. I need someone to shine a light on an area of brush that could unveil a better path for my life. The one I'm currently on is growing me weary. I fear what the consequences could be if I finally "learn the hard way" on this path I've slowly found myself traveling upon. But knowing myself--my headstrong ways--running into trouble, anxiety and misfortune is inevitable.

I guess my comfort is knowing I have people in my life that will understand (or make the attempt) and will love me unconditionally. I appreciate them and they continue to save me from myself. I pray I don't sell myself short of who I know I can become. My biggest fear is failing myself and failing God. I worry too much about disappointing others when it honestly comes down to my life and my life alone in the end. I'm not afraid of going my own way and taking risks. Sometimes it leaves me inbetween a rock and a hard place, but I always manage to escape with minor bumps and bruises.

I view life as a challenge. Every day brings something new, and although learning the hard way has left me broken and labeled a ragamuffin, it's also opened my eyes and heart to unimaginable strength, compassion, forgiveness and love. I guess it's a beautiful mess. I want to uncover more of the good within me instead of calamity. I believe it's still possible. I just need to be led off the path of destruction.