Rambles.

So I ran off to the Windy City.

Just trying to clear my head up here. Right now I have a tummy ache and I feel like writing a little bit but I don't feel like putting a lot of effort toward this. So bear with me. Oh my gosh, so many things have affected my life in the past month and there's not a soul that knows of them but me. I'm realizing I'm getting more stubborn and hard-headed as time passes--more set in my ways. When I think I can't get any more lost in my life it happens. I'm not afraid to admit I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, and I've become good at letting down a few close friends because of it. It's no excuse but that's what I tend to do when those I love continually let me down. I start to believe I can trust no one.

I have realized who my true friends are... the ones that will always, always be there for me no matter how much of an ass I make of myself. They stick by my side because they take the time to ask, listen and attempt to understand me for who I am and what I'm going through. My goodness, I am so thankful for the few buddies that I know will never give up on me. In the past month, I've been hurt by a few I have considered good friends. I don't even think they realize it to be honest. It kills me when people jump to conclusions, assume things or misjudge. I've mentioned this before but I can be an extremely independent person. This is who I am. I need to run off sometimes and do my own thing. I need to make mistakes and learn from them and experience everything in life. This is who I am. And yes, a lot of the time I want to do it alone. So yeah, I'm always going to be "dropping off the face of the planet" every once in awhile to escape. I am in no shape or form ready to "settle down" as practically 90% of people my age are doing. I still have a lot of crap I want to figure out about myself and I truly felt like I needed to come to Chicago to work a little more on understanding me... and life in general. My friend is taking good care of me and is older and wiser so I'm not taking a moment of her presence or advice for granted. She's one of those friends that straight up tells ya what the hell needs to be said. I need that right now. Last night I lay in bed thinking to myself that I have an angel wanting to help get my act together. That's why I'm here. I accepted a helping hand for once in my life and it hurts a bit that some closest to me are not as understanding about this but more so judgmental and selfish. You have no idea how incredibly difficult it is for me to accept any form of help throughout my life. I am programmed to depend on and accomplish everything by myself. I just realized that's probably why I'm getting nowhere anymore. My response to doing everything on my own was, "Well, it's just me." My friend snapped back, "No, that's who you choose to be." She's a punk but she's right.

I have no idea how long I will be here but that's the furthest thing from my mind currently. My heart's bigger than my head and it tends to run me into rough situations at times. I need to balance the two out.

Anyway, the main thing on my heart right now is my best friend. A couple days ago I found out her health's acting up again and she's in pretty bad shape. I can't do a thing about it and that's killing me. She's forever miles away from me and I feel like my hands are tied. I'm worrying so much about her but all I got are my prayers for you kid. I have faith God will take care of you. For once, don't be as stubborn as we both are and accept some help. I need you to get healthy. I am so sorry I am not there with you but if you say the word I swear to you I will find a way down there a.s.a.p.

OK, it's like single-digits cold and when I open my friend's apartment door there is snow piled up to my waist against the brick walls... there's ice all over the steps. You want cold, you visit Chicago in the middle of winter. Drops into the negatives every night. I think I'm gonna finish my bagel and take a little nap to rid my achey belly.

After that, I'm going to find Oprah.