Hey God, are you there?

It's me, Jayme.

Man, I am super bummed. I try to remain as optimistic as possible, but sometimes I just have to throw my hands up. I'm only writing this because, if I didn't, I'd be extra bummed that I'm not feeling my passion. So, I vent. I write.

Money. My gosh, I hate that word. Sometimes I love that word but only in the moment. Right now, I hate it. I could devote a plethora of blog entries to the subject. It's helped destroy so many things in my life; ok, the lack there of. I wish more people revolved around God instead of money. I'm poor. With that being said, I unfortunately miss out on many opportunities in life. Oh, it's definitely humbled me. It's almost impossible for me to take anything for granted. But sometimes I just wish You would cut me some slack. I rarely pity myself. I get angry at myself for doing so. The closest I'll come to feeling sorry for myself is venting in a blog. This might be my only entry that I'm happy with the fact that my blog gets little attention. I just need to write this one for the sake of it. I believe in honesty. My writing can be blunt. I'm real and my writing is truth. If you don't know, writers crave experience--whether good or bad. Thus, we're very compassionate, empathizing people. We have a lot of emotion and our best way of showing it is via writing of course.

More than anything in the world, at this very moment, I wish I had a way to be at my best friend's college graduation on December 12. There's almost nothing more I'll ever regret than missing it. I wish I could be at my cousin's wedding on Saturday. I wish I could have taken one of my high school friends out for her birthday yesterday. I wish I could have been back in town for one of my best friend's baby shower. I wish one of the six to seven businesses I've applied to would communicate with me so I can start working. I wish I could buy my family what they ask for this Christmas. I wish my family didn't judge or disrespect me. That's the core of my frustration and pain; it's left me bent. Sometimes things aren't just about a new cell phone; it goes a hell of a lot deeper. I would do anything to help a family member. Through time, I've learned the harsh reality that the favor's not always returned. I wish people said what they felt. And I wish people would brave the truth. I wish I could spend a day with one of my closest friends who lives in another continent. It makes me sick how much I miss her. I wish I didn't cop out of some opportunities that actually come my way. I wish I had the courage to accomplish ideas I have in my head but instead, I fear the process and response. I wish I could dimiss the anger that's mounted to my heart toward those I love that have belittled me. I wish I could learn a better way of showing people I care because, I do. Screw pride. That's all I've learned from my family. They're so set in their ways. I'm asking You, God, to help me take the time to ask, listen and attempt to comprehend. I wish those who have fallen away from Your ways are able to find You again. I hope I don't let the opinions of those people closest to me control me and push me into a nobody. I hope I find the strength from You to go after something for myself and no other soul. I hope I stop caring about particular people's judgment. I pray my readers realize that it's ok to be angry, confused and discontent sometimes, even if you're known as the happy, funny, optimistic person.

Yeah, I'm still bummed but not super. Thanks God for granting me with my writing. Thanks for my health. Thanks for people who love me. Thanks for my readers and bless them as always. You've shown me many miracles in only 22 years. I have no doubt there will be more in the time to come. Even though I feel like the world's on my shoulders, please help me see all you've given me.

Amen.