Working it Out

I've been working out a lot. Sometimes I have to drag myself through my workouts but lately I feel pushed. I wake up looking forward to the part of my day when I get to release everything weighing me down through hard, physical lifting, punching and kicking. It definitely helps relieve the stress and anger. Right now I'm downloading songs to add to the iPod for my "workout" playlist. One of my favorite videos is "Energy" by Keri Hilson. It's a great song. I'm also liking "Just Dance" by Lady GaGa featuring Colby O'Donis. I usually exercise to rap or rock. Makes sense, right? You'd never catch me doing crunches to Beethoven's symphonies, with all due respect Ludwig.

On a more personal note, I've been thinking about relationships for the past few weeks. I don't think they're for me. It's not that I have this intense desire to live life as a player; it's just the fact that I tend to use them as a crutch, at least in previous experiences. It kind of scares me the way I am able to make special people fall in love with me. I'd rather not hurt anyone else. I need to improve infinite qualities about myself before sharing them with others. I need to see the positive things others see in me. Plus, I might have commitment issues, incredibly headstrong ways and walls built up that would take General Patton and his army to destroy. Maybe I just don't like feeling vunerable. I guess it's profitable that I have realized all of this, but I secretly can't help but feel a bit jaded with every invitation I receive for another friend's wedding or baby shower. And in absolutely no way does that hinder my feelings of pride toward any of them; there's almost nothing in this world that fills my heart with joy more than seeing my friends happy and in love. Each one of them deserves it. With time, I hope I see that I do too.

As for now, I place myself in the third person a lot and tell people Jayme needs to accomplish some things for herself. I'm not at liberty to say when those things will start falling together but with every day I pray they will sooner than later. I've let a lot of people control the way I feel about myself, and I'm trying to break free of those restraints. I lose motivation in pursuing a successful path for my life because I'm not entirely sure what I want to do, where I want to go. Of course my passion is right in front of me but I can't make a living writing in a blog. I've grown fond of the idea of getting into advertising but I need to obtain a degree first; I need credibility. I need an opportunity to get back into school. For now, I keep attempting to communicate with businesses to attain employment. It's a struggle currently but I'm set on it. In the past few months my infatuation with writing has caught fire; my life is a mess but I've never been more focused on these words. That's my joy for now.

I didn't really have a preferred topic for what I wanted to write about with this entry. I just wanted to write, so ramble on I did. It's theraputic. For me, it's like pulling teeth to open up and talk about intimate things so if that's ever what you're after, it'd be smart of you to follow the path toward my writing. It reveals all.

Well, almost.

OK, time to go kickbox some stress... I'm out.