I am a Superwoman, yes I am

One of the greatest artists of our generation and a major, inspirational song dedicated to the women of our world.

Right now, that's exactly where I want to be. I think Italy has to be one of the most gorgeous places on the face of earth. How inspiring, breathtaking and peaceful it would be to sit on a hill in the countryside of Italy or walk through a vineyard. If I was granted the opportunity to stand and stare out over that country's canvas God painted so beautifully, I'm sure I would be overwhelmed with emotion. Comforted, relaxed, speechless, galvanized, awe-struck, happy... I would fall back into a field and gaze up at the picturesque, blue sky as the white, billowing clouds floated by. I'd feel the breeze through the tall grass tickling my face. I'd breathe in the fresh, crisp air and release it slowly as I marveled at the serenity, grace and purity of such a heavenly place within my grasp. I would wonder how the world is able to force such ugliness upon people while maintaining so much beauty.

Yes, that would be my ideal environment. I bet I could create a lot of meaningful writing there. I would feel invincible, like I could conquer all my fears, unanswered questions and doubts.

A presto!

A Beautiful Mess

I've been a long time gone now, Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down, but I've always found my way somehow, By taking the long way, taking the long way around. -Dixie Chicks

I learn things the hard way. I always have and I always will. I've accepted it. Like the Dixie Chicks sing, I'm taking the long way around. It makes my life 99% more difficult living it this way but it's just how I'm programed. I get myself into serious situations time after time and I need to experience them until something clicks within me. I question, "Is this really me?" I guess it's a continual process of me trying to find out who I truly am. Sometimes I feel positive that I know myself but as that confirmation begins to boost my confidence, once again, I'm thrown into a downward spiral of self-questioning and doubt. I am only 22 but I can look back at my past and see what paths I could have taken to avoid mishaps, regrets and broken hearts. That's just not how it works though.

Who I am at this exact moment is equivalent to everything that's molded me from days, months, years, friendships and relationships prior. Is there such a thing as going too far down a path and not being able to find your way onto another? At times I see this part of me that I've always considered to be just that, a small part of me, not something that completely defines me. Maybe I'm just deceiving myself. We all despise ourselves at one time or another. We let ourselves down. If we're smart we learn from it, forgive ourselves and move on. What if I'm stuck on a path that is really the future route for my life and I just don't realize it? That scares me. I need someone to shine a light on an area of brush that could unveil a better path for my life. The one I'm currently on is growing me weary. I fear what the consequences could be if I finally "learn the hard way" on this path I've slowly found myself traveling upon. But knowing myself--my headstrong ways--running into trouble, anxiety and misfortune is inevitable.

I guess my comfort is knowing I have people in my life that will understand (or make the attempt) and will love me unconditionally. I appreciate them and they continue to save me from myself. I pray I don't sell myself short of who I know I can become. My biggest fear is failing myself and failing God. I worry too much about disappointing others when it honestly comes down to my life and my life alone in the end. I'm not afraid of going my own way and taking risks. Sometimes it leaves me inbetween a rock and a hard place, but I always manage to escape with minor bumps and bruises.

I view life as a challenge. Every day brings something new, and although learning the hard way has left me broken and labeled a ragamuffin, it's also opened my eyes and heart to unimaginable strength, compassion, forgiveness and love. I guess it's a beautiful mess. I want to uncover more of the good within me instead of calamity. I believe it's still possible. I just need to be led off the path of destruction.

Happiness

[last narration lines] Christopher Gardner: This part of my life... this part right here? This is called "happyness." -The Pursuit of Happyness

Have you ever been so blessed to bask in happiness? I am getting the opportunity and I'm not taking a moment for granted. It's like pure joy. It's allowing me to find beauty in the smallest things. Everything has seemed to change for the better because of it. My struggles seem to be lifted, if even momentarily. The part of you that feels empty is filled. You have a new perspective on life. You view others as their best possible version. You're optimistic. I'm actually able to appreciate all the adversity and misfortune in life I've grown accustomed to because it makes the taste of true happiness one hundred times sweeter. It's human nature to ask the ultimate question, "Why am I here?," but when happiness falls into your lap unexpectedly, things just seem to make sense. The world needs more love, more kindness, more compassion. And with that said, happiness tends to follow. I'm thankful I'm getting the chance to experience it.

I'm keeping this post short because, for once, I'm at a loss for words. I think that's OK though. Sometimes a feeling is so overwhelming it's better to sit back and bask in it.

This is how you get me to watch Star Wars... (p.s. Mad props to Vader on Thriller.)

Choices

Indecision gets you nowhere in life. Unfortunately, that's all I've known throughout mine. I think it plays a big part with me growing up shy; I was never outspoken. When I'm with a group of people or even a friend, I'm usually indifferent to what we do or where we eat. I used to force the other person to choose. In the past few years, moving away from home and living on my own, I've learned to discover more about myself, evolving into a more outgoing individual. I've gotten a lot better at making decisions for myself and not surrendering my choice.

I think one of the reasons people are indecisive is because they're either trying to be nice and go along with the majority or they're fearful of going against the grain and getting judged or ridiculed. Confidence plays its role I guess. I've been on the other end of asking someone what they choose and he or she just tells me "I don't know." After awhile that gets old and at times, frustrating. I've learned that I'm attracted and intrigued by those who know what they want in life. I've found it makes for good conversation. I guess I expect those around my age or older to have values and goals set for themselves, no matter how small. Knowing what you believe in and having a sense of purpose or direction for yourself helps you make decisions.

I think because I'm young and not entirely informed on certain topics--those which society holds in high regard--I remain withheld from choosing one side or the other. I don't always view things as black and white. I wouldn't say I'm apathetic but more torn between the two because I usually have strong feelings for each. I enjoy listening to debates and arguments, when they're of intelligent nature. I tend to empathize for both sides and that's what makes it difficult for me to choose one and stand my ground. I think when a person is thrown into a particular situation, their judgment and stance on the matter could change vastly. Example? I know someone who always believed in pro-life until she accidently became pregnant and her views switched in an instant; she secretly had an abortion. And for those who support the war going on in Iraq? I wonder if the majority actually have a son or daughter deployed in the military; if not, it would make it easier to support such a war. What would happen if their son came home saying he enlisted? Would those same people still believe in the fighting?

My faith, believing in God and His Word are all a rock for me. I won't sway on the grounds of my spirituality. That is the most important thing in my life and one thing I have chosen to always stand up for. I believe in love and treating people with hospitality. I will fight for kindness toward all.

Something I have sat on the fence about is the 2008 presidential election. Today is "the big day" for either Senator Obama or Senator McCain. Feel free to gasp when I say I didn't vote. I'm still in Texas and I'm a Missouri resident so I am not able to get back home in time to vote. Yes, I was registered. Unfortunately, I was just informed a couple hours ago that I could have done an absentee ballot but was unaware. Shame on me I guess but I'm not too bothered by it, whether which candidate wins. I would consider myself as independent during this campaign. An idiot could see that through the past year the media has portrayed Barack Obama as the saint our country needs. I've felt bad for the ways John McCain has been targeted. I do think Obama definitely looks and speaks the part of a president but I'm afraid his "change" might backfire into something devastating for our country. Who's to say the change will be good? He just kept promoting that our country needs a change. I don't know how much McCain would change as our president, maybe some at the beginning but would probably fade back into the way of President Bush. I'm almost in favor of seeing Obama win just to see what he would attempt with our country. There are many issues Obama agrees with that I don't because I consider myself more conservative. I've read and heard their perspectives on important issues like immigration, health care, education, same-sex marriage, gun control and abortion. It's up to Americans now. Soon enough we'll see who the people have chose as our 44th president and I'll accept it either way. It's up to us as citizens to work with him and stand up for what we believe in.

I try to read and write and watch the news as much as possible so I can expand my knowledge on anything and everything in this world. I love to learn and when I do, I put myself in the position of being able to choose what I believe is right or good. Maybe with age I'll become less indecisive, especially on important issues. For now, I'll keep to myself unless I feel passionate about a subject matter. As an American, I think two of the most crucial statements ever written for our country and what every U.S. citizen, and more importantly, the president of the United States, should abide by lists as follows:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. -1st Amendment

And...

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. -Thomas Jefferson, The Declaration of Independence

God bless our country!