Today is Christmas.

This is my 22nd. And this time, it has a different meaning to me. For the past twenty-one Christmases, I have spent them at home with the five other members of my family and our pets. No matter where any one of us is, we manage to uphold our tradition of coming together for this special day. But not this year; this year, it's different.

A friend told me that time will always manage to bring change. I'm not fond of the latter but who really is? I'll admit, for me, Christmas isn't the same without snow on the ground, red and green decorations, stockings hung, classic holiday carols, a tree with lights and presents underneath it. Oh, and family of course. However, this year, I've realized December 25th is still Christmas with or without the previous.

Despite how mundane this holiday is for me this year, it remains special because I've received joy in my heart. I know that millions of kids had many of their wishes come true today. I know that strangers were nicer to other strangers today. For this one day, people are generous, kind, and gentle. For this one day, people believe in more than just themselves. People are with other people they love or at least make an effort in calling their loved ones. Today, people think of others.

I know, I know. Why can't everyone act this way everyday? I believe there are those of us who try to. But no matter, Christmas will always be the day of bringing warmth into the coldest hearts--the Grinches and Scrooges.

I don't need a gift under a tree today. I don't even need my family together. I know I'm loved and I love them. I'm healthy, young, talented, compassionate; I have amazing friends who accept me for who I am and I'm extremely blessed.

So, sorry Santa but God's got me covered this season!

p.s. Merry Christmas to my readers. I hope you received everything you wished for but more importantly, I hope you are happy.

Heart

Without it you'd die

With it, you thrive

At times it opens

At times it closes

In moments it's broken

From those outspoken

It attempts to avoid the hurt

Brushing off any emotional dirt

But never truly will it ever convert

For it longs for the one it will never desert

Sometimes they're fake

Causing others to break

And ache

A few believe in fate

While others hate

It takes its chances

It does its dances

Holding back

Worrying what it lacks

Learning to let go

It just goes with the flow

Forgetting all woe

His feels it's alright

Because it's worth the fight

Hers feels guarded

The past left one's bombarded

I've met a couple made of gold

A few more so unfortunately cold

One I just wanted to hold

And another worth the scold

A child's is whole

As pure as his soul

Others long

For a time that's come and gone

A risk it was too timid to take

Now left in its sorrowful wake

Many give theirs away

Expecting nothing in repay

Recipients sway

Then comes decay

Enthralled,

In love it falls

The good, the bad upon it that's brought

To more than just an organ that's always fought

Is it worth going through again

It feels the need to defend

Does it cry out

Does it shout

Does it wreak of doubt

Please discard your fear

You are lovely and endeared

Everything's welcome here

Including your tears

Let me hear it beat

It's fond of deceit

So you retreat

Hard as concrete

Pardon me, you disagree?

Well reveal it and we shall see

I believe it holds the power to move mountains indeed

It favors no race, color or creed

Unattached to greed

Only for love it pleads

Courage professes it take the lead

Its pain from the past will learn to precede

The future's offer of warmth and compassion it needs

The heart is heavy

The heart is humble

The heart reaches out

The heart takes a tumble

You think your heart's ability to love has ended

Let me show you how it can be mended

Take the leap of faith and stop feeling so vain
This time choose the heart over the brain

For once, go against the grain

Break through fear's chains

Let Love Reign

tHe LeT dOwN

I feel this intense desire to write what my heart is feeling at this very moment.

But I can't.

Walk like an Egyptian, Live like a Dead Pharaoh

Copies of the Book of the Dead were placed in the tombs of deceased royalty. Written by various scribes over a period of years, the book is made up of spells and magic formulas as well as some general tips about making a good impression in the Hereafter; Chapter 125, for example, suggests that when the dead ruler appears before the gods of judgment, he should make it a point to list all the evil things he has NOT done.
-The Mummy, DVD Bonus Material

OK, so I'm a bit of a nerd; I like to explore all of my DVD's special features. If I paid for it, I might as well get as much use out of what it has to offer. Noticeably, I just finished watching the first part of The Mummy trilogy. And granted, the special affects aren't spectacular but I'm more interested in the cheesy, romantic-adventure plot anyway. Plus, I've always been fascinated by the history Egypt. There's not a place on earth like it.

I opened this entry with a fact about an Egyptian artifact known as the Book of the Dead. I read this fact while navigating through The Mummy's special features. The part that struck me was the last line: When a dead ruler appears before the gods of judgment, he should make it a point to list all the evil things he has NOT done. Key word being "not" obviously. If you believe in a higher being, such as God, you've probably stopped a few times to think about what it would be like to stand in front of Him as your lifetime of sins, mistakes, trangressions, demons--whatever you find yourself calling them--are read back to you. It's a scary thought for believers or non-believers for that matter. I think it was so horrendous in fact, that the Egyptians wouldn't dare wish it upon their dignified, powerful, honorable pharaohs. Thus, the scribes wrote that their "deceased royalty" should make it a point, instead, to list the evil acts they have not committed throughout their lives.

How incredible that would be to go back through our lives and reveal to others the times we chose to do right despite the sweet temptation of wrong.

The statement from Chapter 125 in the Book of the Dead seems similar to the human nature of wanting to change the subject. "Well yeah, I've done this, tried that, had this habit for many years, lied to these people, cheated on so-and-so, but let's check out all the times I was an "angel," when it would have been easier had I not cared one bit. I could have done drugs with them but I didn't. I could have got into bed with that person but I didn't." Or maybe it's like denial? "Actually, I couldn't really help myself. That wasn't my fault. I had a bad childhood so it was my parents fault I turned out like that. I had to lie to fit in. The way my spouse treated me turned me to the booze and drugs." Excuses to cover up irresponsibility. We all would much rather have our mistakes locked away in the past or erased for eternity. I believe they're forgiven but not forgotten as much as we'd like them to be at times. If a person is sincerely sorry for what's occurred, he or she tries their best to steer clear of making the same mistake. They learn from it and move on.

I wonder what made the lists of the great Egyptian pharaohs when presenting to their gods what evil things they had not done. "When I stubbed my toe on my buddy's sarchophagus at his funeral, I could have taken the deity Horus or Osiris's name in vain but I did not." "I could have commanded my obese servants to race to the top of the great pyramids for my personal entertainment but I did not." "The time my high priest, Apepi, brought me a tablet created to enforce the laws of my land, I saw two hieroglyphic birdies and a snail mixed up on law XVII; I rearranged them correctly. I could have left the meaning as follows: 'It is encouraged for Egyptians to urinate on Ramesses tomb.' I mean, c'mon, you know how much I hated that guy; I could have left it be but I didn't." "I could have dressed up in Cleopatra's headdress, wig and gold jewelry when I was inaugurated as pharaoh but I didn't."

I'm curious as to what other "tips" are dispersed throughout the Book of the Dead for Egypt's deceased rulers. Maybe a way to return to the earth and pull practical jokes on enemy nations or the ability to transform into a Sphinx?

Too bad I won't die a pharaoh.

In the past few years, I have grown fond of the band The Fray. Not only do I enjoy their music, but I respect the lead singer for his ability to not only perfom vocally and instrumentally but write passionate lyrics for the group. I've always been captivated by the sounds created from a piano and it is no doubt one of the reasons I'm attracted to this band. Also, I don't think there's a music group I've been able to relate with every song on an album before The Fray. Everyone has their opinions and favorite musicians; The Fray makes the top of my list. I can pick one of their songs, put it on repeat and listen to it for hours. It just has a nostalgic, relaxing affect on me. Over My Head (Cable Car), How to Save a Life and Look After You were a few of The Fray's hits and I can promise, there will be more to come. They've just recently released a single from their upcoming album, The Fray, which is called, You Found Me. I wasn't suprised at myself for falling in love with it after the first time I heard it; it's powerful. I can be obsessive about decoding the meaning of a song, especially if I feel attached to it. Kudos to Issac Slade for always taking the time to explain the reasoning for his choice of words.

You Found Me is a tough song for me. Its about the disappointment, the heart ache, the let down that comes with life. Sometimes you’re let down, sometimes you’re the one who lets someone else down. It gets hard to know who you can trust, who you can count on. This song came out of a tough time, and I’m still right in the thick of it. There’s some difficult circumstances my family and friends have been going through over the past year or so and can be overwhelming. It wears on me. It demands so much of my faith to keep believing, keep hoping in the unseen. Sometimes the tunnel has a light at the end, but usually they just look black as night. This song is about that feeling, and the hope that I still have, buried deep in my chest. -Issac Slade, writer of "You Found Me," lead singer and pianist of The Fray

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, Where you been?
He said, Ask anything.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who’s ever known
Who I am
Who I’m not, and who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me?

"You Found Me" -The Fray

To listen, visit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs51Fo9fuGM

My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
-Sound of Music


Colorful fireworks contrasting with the dark, night sky
Thousands of large, falling snowflakes masquerading the ground
Stars that shine brightly inviting a glimpse of another world
Luminous rays spread only from the rising sun

Music that deeply moves the soul
Lyrics written from experience of heartbreak, love and determination
Beats created to shake the spirit
Exquisite harmony released from angelic voices

Greetings from a stranger
Mercy shown from the unexpected
Belief when the impossible besieges
Joy in the facial expression of a child

Messages, notes and cards revealing the gratitude of a friend
Contagious smiles and obnoxiously, big grins
Genuine encouragement, compliments and persistent support
Forgiving friendships, second chances and tough-love speeches

Humanity's ability to love
Love's ability to create peace
Peace's ability to bring happiness
Happiness's ability to appreciate life

Movies that continue to inspire long after leaving the theater
Individuals who devote their life to a passion
Hold the tights, capes and gadgets; real heroes save the day without the fame:
Teachers, firefighters, missionary doctors and pro-bono lawyers

Stories that intrigue the mind and keep the imagination running wild
Truth revealed from a committed reporter
Knowledge learned from desire and wisdom attained through patience
Traditions passed on from one generation to the next

Loyalty of a beloved pet
History bestowed upon youth from their elders
Warmth of a crackling fire midst winter's cold breath
Moments with family and faith discovered through inconceivable ways

Laughter and lots of it
Tackling hugs
Piggyback rides
Big or little, a shoulder to lean on

Gifts without pricetags
Acceptance without stubborness to earn
Magic that keeps the brain pondering for solutions
Dedication to achieve ambitions of the heart

Saying "I love you" without saying it
Unseen giving
Compassion toward those labeled as misfits and sinners
Miracles not only made on 34th Street

These are a few of my favorite things.

Working it Out

I've been working out a lot. Sometimes I have to drag myself through my workouts but lately I feel pushed. I wake up looking forward to the part of my day when I get to release everything weighing me down through hard, physical lifting, punching and kicking. It definitely helps relieve the stress and anger. Right now I'm downloading songs to add to the iPod for my "workout" playlist. One of my favorite videos is "Energy" by Keri Hilson. It's a great song. I'm also liking "Just Dance" by Lady GaGa featuring Colby O'Donis. I usually exercise to rap or rock. Makes sense, right? You'd never catch me doing crunches to Beethoven's symphonies, with all due respect Ludwig.

On a more personal note, I've been thinking about relationships for the past few weeks. I don't think they're for me. It's not that I have this intense desire to live life as a player; it's just the fact that I tend to use them as a crutch, at least in previous experiences. It kind of scares me the way I am able to make special people fall in love with me. I'd rather not hurt anyone else. I need to improve infinite qualities about myself before sharing them with others. I need to see the positive things others see in me. Plus, I might have commitment issues, incredibly headstrong ways and walls built up that would take General Patton and his army to destroy. Maybe I just don't like feeling vunerable. I guess it's profitable that I have realized all of this, but I secretly can't help but feel a bit jaded with every invitation I receive for another friend's wedding or baby shower. And in absolutely no way does that hinder my feelings of pride toward any of them; there's almost nothing in this world that fills my heart with joy more than seeing my friends happy and in love. Each one of them deserves it. With time, I hope I see that I do too.

As for now, I place myself in the third person a lot and tell people Jayme needs to accomplish some things for herself. I'm not at liberty to say when those things will start falling together but with every day I pray they will sooner than later. I've let a lot of people control the way I feel about myself, and I'm trying to break free of those restraints. I lose motivation in pursuing a successful path for my life because I'm not entirely sure what I want to do, where I want to go. Of course my passion is right in front of me but I can't make a living writing in a blog. I've grown fond of the idea of getting into advertising but I need to obtain a degree first; I need credibility. I need an opportunity to get back into school. For now, I keep attempting to communicate with businesses to attain employment. It's a struggle currently but I'm set on it. In the past few months my infatuation with writing has caught fire; my life is a mess but I've never been more focused on these words. That's my joy for now.

I didn't really have a preferred topic for what I wanted to write about with this entry. I just wanted to write, so ramble on I did. It's theraputic. For me, it's like pulling teeth to open up and talk about intimate things so if that's ever what you're after, it'd be smart of you to follow the path toward my writing. It reveals all.

Well, almost.

OK, time to go kickbox some stress... I'm out.

Hey God, are you there?

It's me, Jayme.

Man, I am super bummed. I try to remain as optimistic as possible, but sometimes I just have to throw my hands up. I'm only writing this because, if I didn't, I'd be extra bummed that I'm not feeling my passion. So, I vent. I write.

Money. My gosh, I hate that word. Sometimes I love that word but only in the moment. Right now, I hate it. I could devote a plethora of blog entries to the subject. It's helped destroy so many things in my life; ok, the lack there of. I wish more people revolved around God instead of money. I'm poor. With that being said, I unfortunately miss out on many opportunities in life. Oh, it's definitely humbled me. It's almost impossible for me to take anything for granted. But sometimes I just wish You would cut me some slack. I rarely pity myself. I get angry at myself for doing so. The closest I'll come to feeling sorry for myself is venting in a blog. This might be my only entry that I'm happy with the fact that my blog gets little attention. I just need to write this one for the sake of it. I believe in honesty. My writing can be blunt. I'm real and my writing is truth. If you don't know, writers crave experience--whether good or bad. Thus, we're very compassionate, empathizing people. We have a lot of emotion and our best way of showing it is via writing of course.

More than anything in the world, at this very moment, I wish I had a way to be at my best friend's college graduation on December 12. There's almost nothing more I'll ever regret than missing it. I wish I could be at my cousin's wedding on Saturday. I wish I could have taken one of my high school friends out for her birthday yesterday. I wish I could have been back in town for one of my best friend's baby shower. I wish one of the six to seven businesses I've applied to would communicate with me so I can start working. I wish I could buy my family what they ask for this Christmas. I wish my family didn't judge or disrespect me. That's the core of my frustration and pain; it's left me bent. Sometimes things aren't just about a new cell phone; it goes a hell of a lot deeper. I would do anything to help a family member. Through time, I've learned the harsh reality that the favor's not always returned. I wish people said what they felt. And I wish people would brave the truth. I wish I could spend a day with one of my closest friends who lives in another continent. It makes me sick how much I miss her. I wish I didn't cop out of some opportunities that actually come my way. I wish I had the courage to accomplish ideas I have in my head but instead, I fear the process and response. I wish I could dimiss the anger that's mounted to my heart toward those I love that have belittled me. I wish I could learn a better way of showing people I care because, I do. Screw pride. That's all I've learned from my family. They're so set in their ways. I'm asking You, God, to help me take the time to ask, listen and attempt to comprehend. I wish those who have fallen away from Your ways are able to find You again. I hope I don't let the opinions of those people closest to me control me and push me into a nobody. I hope I find the strength from You to go after something for myself and no other soul. I hope I stop caring about particular people's judgment. I pray my readers realize that it's ok to be angry, confused and discontent sometimes, even if you're known as the happy, funny, optimistic person.

Yeah, I'm still bummed but not super. Thanks God for granting me with my writing. Thanks for my health. Thanks for people who love me. Thanks for my readers and bless them as always. You've shown me many miracles in only 22 years. I have no doubt there will be more in the time to come. Even though I feel like the world's on my shoulders, please help me see all you've given me.

Amen.